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BoneDaddy
10-21-2013, 03:49 PM
It's true.....such a fraud in my own eyes. See the avi over here of me? Yeah....that's not me. Not anymore, at least. You see, I've struggled with a lot over the past 24 months or so.....and I've done a very piss poor job of dealing with it. Some of you know what I'm talking about as I've talked at length with a few of you about it. Losing my best friend and teammate of many years to a stupid, stupid incident, and dealing with depression, guilt, to blah blah blah......through most of it alcohol has been my best friend. There's little doubt in my mind that if I'm not already, I am precariously close to being an alcoholic. I bet there hasn't been a week that's gone by that I have went 2 days in a row without having 4 or 5 beers, and that's on average. I fucking hate myself and what I've become.

I come here a lot because of a few reasons......I love the community and what it stands for. I come because I hope something, someday will just light something under my ass and get back what/who I used to be before the bullshit of life took over. I come to see the avi I leave up in hopes of something going off in my head. It's funny, I can sit here and list all of this shit like I'm doing and know that it's all true, and what I need to do.....to just fucking DO it......but I seem stuck. The apparent apathy seems to best the reason and, for lack of a better word, sanity that is speaking right now. I probably sound drunk now, but I'm not. Haven't drank today. And won't god damnit. Typing everything out is becoming cathartic. I have hopes that by posting this for everyone in the world to see that am OBLIGATED to get my ass off the couch, out of the bottle, and back in the gym. Through the haze I can't remember the last time I had a solid workout. I KNOW from prior experience that the gym is and has always been the ultimate form of therapy. So why can't I move? *shrugs* I type it, yet I feel like the lowest idiot when I read it. Everytime I put on clothes or see myself naked, I feel that twinge man....and it sucks so bad. I love titties, but they're no fun on me..... So I have 4 or 5 beers to make myself feel better even though that's the EXACT fucking behavior that's gotten me into this mess and keeps me here. Sigh.....brilliant, yeah? lol

So the Swole Source Contest seems to be a neat little kick starter. Why not? Just do it! Move more, eat less....quit drinking you fucking idiot! I dropped almost 40lbs for my wedding last year yet I sit here and whine and moan.....uugghh.......now I want a beer. lol BUT....I'm not going to do it. I am, however, going to get a nutrition plan thrown together somehow, go cook my food for tomorrow, and come home and have my wife take pics of my fat ass. Fat, pasty, and probably hairy at the moment. I went from that avi over there at a solid 220, to a fat, bloated, sorry ass 255. I can only imagine how much catabolism I've spurned.....how much aromatase this gut is producing.....how sad my liver is....I should probably schedule a physical tomorrow. No, I WILL schedule a physical tomorrow. Probably do me some good to have my ass reamed out by my Dr. after he sees what I've turned into. lol I need that 'tough love'.....I totally expect you fuckers to give it to me, too.

I'm going to stop here....for now. Thanks for reading/listening if you made it this far. I needed to do this, regardless of how weird/unstable/fucked up it seems. Feel free to add anything to this thread you want. Advice, encouragement, shame, disgust, sadness,....what ever. I can take it, and I need it.

\ramble

xxiv
10-21-2013, 04:15 PM
fraud is a little harsh bro, we all have ups and downs. That's just life and sometimes things get away from you but you can allways take control back.

You need support, you have it here, you got a crew.... it may be an online one but that's all I got and I'm doing ok. I havn't had a drink in 14 months, you wanna talk about it I got the unlimited plan on my cell I'll pm you my number, we could talk for hours.

You can self destruct or live life like it's ment to be lived. Self destructing does feel good at times but living life lasts a whole lot longer. I highly reccomend living.

weekend
10-21-2013, 04:39 PM
Bro, stop drinking now. You don't need alcohol, all it will do is make everything worse.

Maybe try some psychedelics if you really want to open up the hidden portions of what's ailing you.


But you can't just sit around drinking or all you will do is literally destroy your life. So forget it. Sorry about your friend, but think about how much he might look down on what you've become.

Good luck buddy

KAB111
10-21-2013, 05:17 PM
XXIV said it pretty well in my book...... Sorry to hear that your going through some shit but I bet we all have, different areas but we have all been through hell one way or another.
Ive gone down the road your going down. It wasnt until a friend called me a puss for not facing life that I decided to do just that and face it. Its harder than drinking it away but man is it 10000x more rewarding.
Keep your head up, look for those small positives that happen everyday.

burlyman30
10-21-2013, 05:43 PM
Much respect for sharing the stuff that is easier not to.

One thing you said resonated with me... the gym being the best therapy around. I understand this quite well. In fact, I had been away from the gym for 10 years while I was concentrating on business ventures.

When the economy and financing industry crashed, I lost close to a million bucks and was in a monthly financial bleed, owing thousands more than I was bringing in each month. I was stressed and depressed and just wanted to run away, because facing the reality of it was horrible.

And I finally went back to the gym about 4 years ago. Did it solve all my problems? No. Did I feel a little better with each workout? Absolutely. The endorphins I got at the gym helped the stress and depression. And it gave me something to ground me, stabilize me, for the first time in ages.

I share all this to say "you're not alone". Lots of us have had some pretty crappy things happen in life. I don't say that to take anything away from your situation, because it's serious. But it's not a life sentence. And you can work through this.

vince
10-21-2013, 06:30 PM
Props on opening up man, you know were all here for you.
Your using alcohol to support you and make u feel better. You needa put your focus into something that will actually make u feel better and not just cover up the things your going though.
I know it's hard but it's just a mental barrier you needa break.
If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to hit me up.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free (http://tapatalk.com/m?id=1)

Scope75
10-21-2013, 06:49 PM
Hey man if you need anyone to talk to PM me and I'll send you my number.

I know what your going threw because I've gone threw a bunch this year too.

Cobalt
10-21-2013, 07:16 PM
Depression and self loathing is horrible, I deal with it a lot. Alcohol has been an escape before, but luckily I've been able to deal with it before it got out of hand.

That being said, its time to move on. Shit happens, but you can't let everything hold you down. Busting your ass in the gym will be a huge help.

Alcohol + no gym = bad
No alcohol + gym = amazing

milehighguy
10-21-2013, 07:26 PM
BoneD

¿Qué pasa hombre?

I agree with a lot of what Burly said but to be honest with you the gym keeps me super sane. Nothing else compares. So no it doesn't solve all your problems but helps to clear the mind. So get your 255 lb beer drinking ass back into the gym ASAP. And take this one step at a time brother. Don't get all crazy and try to start cooking meals and eating perfect. Just cut out the beer/booze, try to clean up the diet a bit, and hit the gym super hard. Once you find your groove you can start to nail down the diet. No excuses now man! You laid it all on the table so make it happen.

longBallLima
10-21-2013, 07:31 PM
True man to open up and seek betterment instead of victimizing one-self, brother. you're no fraud. Rough patch, is all.

Do get away from alcohol though, seems to be unhealthy. And to disagree with weekend, don't substitute it with other substances. Stay healthy, clear and sound of mind so that you get a full picture of specific situation.

On more practical terms: Find a competition coach and do a NPC show. It's amazing what a goal in your sights can do to help you control things around you.

BoneDaddy
10-22-2013, 06:27 AM
fraud is a little harsh bro, we all have ups and downs. That's just life and sometimes things get away from you but you can allways take control back.

You need support, you have it here, you got a crew.... it may be an online one but that's all I got and I'm doing ok. I havn't had a drink in 14 months, you wanna talk about it I got the unlimited plan on my cell I'll pm you my number, we could talk for hours.

You can self destruct or live life like it's ment to be lived. Self destructing does feel good at times but living life lasts a whole lot longer. I highly reccomend living.

Thanks bro, I knew this is the place I could go to. Self destruction; over.


Bro, stop drinking now. You don't need alcohol, all it will do is make everything worse.

Maybe try some psychedelics if you really want to open up the hidden portions of what's ailing you.


But you can't just sit around drinking or all you will do is literally destroy your life. So forget it. Sorry about your friend, but think about how much he might look down on what you've become.

Good luck buddy

Funny you mention that.....I saw his wife a few weeks ago and she told me he'd probably kick my ass if he were here...lol It's funny, but damn it stung. Psychedelics, eh? I'm skeered.....:-)


XXIV said it pretty well in my book...... Sorry to hear that your going through some shit but I bet we all have, different areas but we have all been through hell one way or another.
Ive gone down the road your going down. It wasnt until a friend called me a puss for not facing life that I decided to do just that and face it. Its harder than drinking it away but man is it 10000x more rewarding.
Keep your head up, look for those small positives that happen everyday.

Thanks dude, and you're absolutely right. I've taken the easy road through all of this and I deserve the punishment that's about to follow. Head up and forward!


Much respect for sharing the stuff that is easier not to.

One thing you said resonated with me... the gym being the best therapy around. I understand this quite well. In fact, I had been away from the gym for 10 years while I was concentrating on business ventures.

When the economy and financing industry crashed, I lost close to a million bucks and was in a monthly financial bleed, owing thousands more than I was bringing in each month. I was stressed and depressed and just wanted to run away, because facing the reality of it was horrible.

And I finally went back to the gym about 4 years ago. Did it solve all my problems? No. Did I feel a little better with each workout? Absolutely. The endorphins I got at the gym helped the stress and depression. And it gave me something to ground me, stabilize me, for the first time in ages.

I share all this to say "you're not alone". Lots of us have had some pretty crappy things happen in life. I don't say that to take anything away from your situation, because it's serious. But it's not a life sentence. And you can work through this.

Damn, that's a lot to lose and go through! You're absolutely right about the gym though, even though I couldn't tell you what it looks like today since I haven't been in forever. HOWEVER, I got up early this morning and brought my gear to work. Going straight to the gym after work even if it's just cardio. SOMETHING is happening today, period.


Props on opening up man, you know were all here for you.
Your using alcohol to support you and make u feel better. You needa put your focus into something that will actually make u feel better and not just cover up the things your going though.
I know it's hard but it's just a mental barrier you needa break.
If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to hit me up.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free (http://tapatalk.com/m?id=1)

That's just it....at this point it's such a mental thing. To break out of this 'lifestyle' I've created and to start another one. Consistency will help with that, I've just gotta break through, ya know? Let's see......


Hey man if you need anyone to talk to PM me and I'll send you my number.

I know what your going threw because I've gone threw a bunch this year too.

Thanks Scope, I may just do that. Stay on my ass, contest entry is coming, I promise.


Depression and self loathing is horrible, I deal with it a lot. Alcohol has been an escape before, but luckily I've been able to deal with it before it got out of hand.

That being said, its time to move on. Shit happens, but you can't let everything hold you down. Busting your ass in the gym will be a huge help.

Alcohol + no gym = bad
No alcohol + gym = amazing

Word, Big Bird. It sucks indeed and it's soooo hard to escape from. I've always sucked at math, but I really like your formulas! lol


BoneD

¿Qué pasa hombre?

I agree with a lot of what Burly said but to be honest with you the gym keeps me super sane. Nothing else compares. So no it doesn't solve all your problems but helps to clear the mind. So get your 255 lb beer drinking ass back into the gym ASAP. And take this one step at a time brother. Don't get all crazy and try to start cooking meals and eating perfect. Just cut out the beer/booze, try to clean up the diet a bit, and hit the gym super hard. Once you find your groove you can start to nail down the diet. No excuses now man! You laid it all on the table so make it happen.

I LOLed at "So get your 255 lb beer drinking ass back into the gym ASAP" Not sure I was supposed to, but I did. :-) I think the part about not going crazy and trying to do everything all at once, the cooking, eating perfect and all is a great idea. Baby steps. No alcohol. Go workout. Start some supps ( at this point, what protocol though....*shrugs*).....and I think/hope the rest will just fall in. Routine, man.....I probably need routine. No excuses.


True man to open up and seek betterment instead of victimizing one-self, brother. you're no fraud. Rough patch, is all.

Do get away from alcohol though, seems to be unhealthy. And to disagree with weekend, don't substitute it with other substances. Stay healthy, clear and sound of mind so that you get a full picture of specific situation.

On more practical terms: Find a competition coach and do a NPC show. It's amazing what a goal in your sights can do to help you control things around you.

Thanks for the words, Lima. A competition coach and a NPC show? Are you out of your mind?!

So....how much is a competition coach? :-)

I woke up feeling pretty good about everything this morning. The post seems to be even more cathartic than I initially thought. 1 thing that's really going to stick out is I have gotten away from eating breakfast, but I know how important it is. This morning I did pop some ephedra and caffeine to stop the awful mid morning munching I've been doing. Baby steps. Thanks for the replies and post fellas, it really means a lot.

xxiv
10-22-2013, 07:21 AM
Self destruction; over.


So whats the plan? diet? routine? lifestyle changes?

Set some goals.

When I got my feet back onto the ground I had a simple routine, kicked the usual culprits from my diet and the only goal was to stay at it for 3 months.

BoneDaddy
10-22-2013, 07:58 AM
So whats the plan? diet? routine? lifestyle changes?

Set some goals.

When I got my feet back onto the ground I had a simple routine, kicked the usual culprits from my diet and the only goal was to stay at it for 3 months.

At this point, get to the gym 5 days a week, regardless of what it is....weights, cardio, or both. No booze. Make healthy eating choices. Keep occupied so I'm not tempted to drink some beers. Get more sleep. Quality, restful sleep. I made an appt for a physical just a bit ago, Jan 9th is the earliest I can get in. SO, I'm thinking of going the route we'd go if we were about to start a cycle, just go get bloods and see where I stand. It's only what....$50 or so? So for now....that's the plan. I'm considering hiring someone to map out the nutrition part for me. Some may see it as lazy, others may see it as a step in the right direction. I know Wesley does stuff like that as do a few others around on the boards. Beats spending $ on beer.......

xxiv
10-22-2013, 08:15 AM
At this point, get to the gym 5 days a week, regardless of what it is....weights, cardio, or both. No booze. Make healthy eating choices. Keep occupied so I'm not tempted to drink some beers. Get more sleep. Quality, restful sleep. I made an appt for a physical just a bit ago, Jan 9th is the earliest I can get in. SO, I'm thinking of going the route we'd go if we were about to start a cycle, just go get bloods and see where I stand. It's only what....$50 or so? So for now....that's the plan. I'm considering hiring someone to map out the nutrition part for me. Some may see it as lazy, others may see it as a step in the right direction. I know Wesley does stuff like that as do a few others around on the boards. Beats spending $ on beer.......

Funny you should mention that.....I'm actually looking to employ some training and nutritional assistance myself, everyone could use some fresh prespective. Shoot wes a pm, i did.

For me, a few healthy life choices, some exercise, a littleless tv and internet and some good sleep made a huge difference in the quality of my life. Once you get some momentum you'll feel better, it's just the transition that may be a little rough.

I wish you the best of luck.

burlyman30
10-22-2013, 08:23 AM
We're all here to support you as you pull yourself out of the ditch and back onto the road. We're expecting to hear back from you about how things went at the gym today, so now you've gotta go. Try not to make yourself so sore that you can't go back tomorrow. Lol.

BoneDaddy
10-22-2013, 08:26 AM
We're all here to support you as you pull yourself out of the ditch and back onto the road. We're expecting to hear back from you about how things went at the gym today, so now you've gotta go. Try not to make yourself so sore that you can't go back tomorrow. Lol.

I'm there dude, it's going to happen! Thanks for the support!

O_RYAN_007
10-22-2013, 10:01 AM
I was in the same destructive path as you were when I lost my brother 11 years ago. The engineering program I was in and the weights really helped pull me out of that dark place. As you said, get back to a routine and things will all fall into place. I'd say look for a really good personal trainer or coach to help push you harder than you've ever pushed yourself. This would be in a month or 2 after you get readjusted to the weights again.

The best of luck to you brother. Godspeed on your new journey, we'll all routing for you!

longBallLima
10-22-2013, 10:11 AM
Glad you woke up feeling better, man! Pricing for coaches varies. For my first prep, I paid 1300 for a year of service, which is considered a pretty good deal in my Area. That included food, training, posing and backstage assistance.

If you wanna find someone local just go to a show in your area or talk to competitors at your gym and pick one that fits you your expectations. If you're going online, pm Wesley or even my coaches :) I can give you info over pm if you'd like

- - - Updated - - -

Oh and not crazy :) I think most people who at least know what a gym is are no more than a year from the stage if they want to ;)

- - - Updated - - -

Oh and not crazy :) I think most people who at least know what a gym is are no more than a year from the stage if they want to ;)

BoneDaddy
10-22-2013, 12:37 PM
I was in the same destructive path as you were when I lost my brother 11 years ago. The engineering program I was in and the weights really helped pull me out of that dark place. As you said, get back to a routine and things will all fall into place. I'd say look for a really good personal trainer or coach to help push you harder than you've ever pushed yourself. This would be in a month or 2 after you get readjusted to the weights again.

The best of luck to you brother. Godspeed on your new journey, we'll all routing for you!

Sorry to hear about your brother man. I can't imagine losing mine, must've really been tough. The whole trainer/coach thing is really piquing my interest.......


Glad you woke up feeling better, man! Pricing for coaches varies. For my first prep, I paid 1300 for a year of service, which is considered a pretty good deal in my Area. That included food, training, posing and backstage assistance.

If you wanna find someone local just go to a show in your area or talk to competitors at your gym and pick one that fits you your expectations. If you're going online, pm Wesley or even my coaches :) I can give you info over pm if you'd like

- - - Updated - - -

Oh and not crazy :) I think most people who at least know what a gym is are no more than a year from the stage if they want to ;)



Now I think you're crazy....lol A year away? Dude, if I could find someone to make me stage ready in a year, I'd hire them on the spot!

longBallLima
10-22-2013, 12:41 PM
If you do the work I truly think most people can do it :) where do you live?

BoneDaddy
10-22-2013, 12:52 PM
If you do the work I truly think most people can do it :) where do you live?

Charlotte, NC I just googled for a few minutes and I'm not coming up with many options.....

burlyman30
10-22-2013, 12:58 PM
Sorry to hear about your brother man. I can't imagine losing mine, must've really been tough. The whole trainer/coach thing is really piquing my interest.......



Now I think you're crazy....lol A year away? Dude, if I could find someone to make me stage ready in a year, I'd hire them on the spot!

FYI, a friend of mine at the gym just spent the last 4 months prepping for his first ever "men's physique" contest. He dropped nearly 60 lbs to get lean enough to see abs. It was a lot of work and dedication. Even I was surprised at the progress he made in 4 months.

longBallLima
10-22-2013, 01:24 PM
Charlotte, NC I just googled for a few minutes and I'm not coming up with many options.....

Any competitors at your gym? Npc shows coming up around you?

longBallLima
10-22-2013, 01:32 PM
Start Here North Carolina Official NPC Website (http://ncnpc.com/)

Show in 4 days :) ask competitors who their coach is. Talk around, the reps in the booths are often competitors as well. Really vet those motherfuckers since every one thinks they're a trainer these days

weekend
10-22-2013, 03:17 PM
i don't think you need supplements at this point, just a good diet.

good food will make you feel great, supplements are for when you're plateaued IMO, and you certainly aren't.

i find that psychedelic experiences often give me a new lease on life (new perspective, new motivation, better understanding of why i am where i am), though many here may disagree (i notice a lot of BBing people are very anti-drug)

BoneDaddy
10-22-2013, 03:47 PM
FYI, a friend of mine at the gym just spent the last 4 months prepping for his first ever "men's physique" contest. He dropped nearly 60 lbs to get lean enough to see abs. It was a lot of work and dedication. Even I was surprised at the progress he made in 4 months.

60lbs? In 4 months?! What the.....how the.....for reals?! Da fuq?! Sweet Buddha......I'd kill for that lol


Any competitors at your gym? Npc shows coming up around you?

You know, I don't really know to be honest with you. I haven't been in awhile and I didn't have much interaction with too many guys when I was going. I need a new gym anyways. I'm going to the PF down from my house and I hate it. Fuckers have pizza sometimes, it's ludicrous. I need a different environment eventually.


Start Here North Carolina Official NPC Website (http://ncnpc.com/)

Show in 4 days :) ask competitors who their coach is. Talk around, the reps in the booths are often competitors as well. Really vet those motherfuckers since every one thinks they're a trainer these days

Thanks! And, of course, it's in 4 days. I am tied up pretty solid Sat, I'll see if I can scoot out for a bit, even if to just make a round or 2. There's another 1 coming in November..... I forgot there's an IFBB guy living here and I've seen him train some guys years ago....Johnny Stewart. He's a big ass boy....
ABOUT - StewartFitness.com (http://www.stewartfitness.com/page.php?6)


i don't think you need supplements at this point, just a good diet.

good food will make you feel great, supplements are for when you're plateaued IMO, and you certainly aren't.

i find that psychedelic experiences often give me a new lease on life (new perspective, new motivation, better understanding of why i am where i am), though many here may disagree (i notice a lot of BBing people are very anti-drug)

Yeah, today was the 1st day I've went to the gym 'raw' in forever. I took nothing, not even a PWO. It was tough lol I've got tons of stuff here though....ephedra, Clen, various other supps all the way to some other 'stuff'.....just waiting...........

I didn't fosuc on 1 bodypart today. I hit a little of everything with medium weights to get the blood flowing, dip back in the pool, and get the heart rate up then i did 45 minutes of cardio. Holy shit, I'm out of shape..........

milehighguy
10-22-2013, 03:50 PM
^^^ yea man! Nice job getting back at it today.

burlyman30
10-22-2013, 04:03 PM
^^^ yea man! Nice job getting back at it today.

X2. Nice start. Rinse and repeat.

Jelisej
10-22-2013, 04:43 PM
The question I would ask is: Who is not a fraud? We all hide so many things, and we all lie not just to others but to us. And we all have dark moments who can last, because once you're in vicious circle its hard to get out- but you will get out. From my experience- there are some folks who dont want to deal with their depression/anxiety and they try to find easy way out- some other disease for which they will take magic pill and everything will be sort out- they are the ones who never get out.
You need to deal with problem, step-by-step, and without putting pressure on yourself. In my personal opinion, at the moment you should not worry too much about your physique, and not even about competition. Just do it for fun.

This is something for you to practice: http://www.get.gg/docs/SelfHelpCourse1.pdf



"They said I was the fighter who got knocked down the most, but I also got up the most."

Floyd Patterson

Cobalt
10-22-2013, 05:22 PM
Sounds like you are already back on track BD. The first day back to the gym is always the hardest, you really want to lift the whole weight rack but can't because you know it'll kick your ass the next day if you do.

Next time I'm in Charlotte we'll have to get a beer togeth.... er, hit the gym together, lol.

O_RYAN_007
10-22-2013, 07:09 PM
i don't think you need supplements at this point, just a good diet.

good food will make you feel great, supplements are for when you're plateaued IMO, and you certainly aren't.

i find that psychedelic experiences often give me a new lease on life (new perspective, new motivation, better understanding of why i am where i am), though many here may disagree (i notice a lot of BBing people are very anti-drug)

I seriously couldn't agree with you anymore! I'm not talking about abuse, I'm talking about getting deep into the subconscious mind. I dropped some acid and took shrooms a couple times after my brother passed. I got a lot more spiritual.

weekend
10-22-2013, 08:27 PM
^ yes.

WesleyInman
10-22-2013, 09:35 PM
(i notice a lot of BBing people are very anti-drug)

Funny because not to argue with you because I like and respect you but I see it through my eyes the opposite way.

My second full time job after graduating college was working at a major gym. We had "parties" after work and all the true NPC/IFBB guys and others got together and did rec stuff.. This was the first time in my life I had tried them. We did this weekly, went to strip clubs, brought girls back, etc..etc..it became habitual for all of us. In fact after shows, etc..we'd go out by the dozens and this was regular behavior for the majority of the guys. I found that most BBers in general had "addictive" personalities.

I was competing at the time and it took a huge toll on me personally and at contest time. All of my friends in the industry were into rec. stuff as well as AAS. It took about a year, thousands and thousands of dollars down the drain, a relationship loss and a number of other negatives in my life before I finally got to the point where I actually wanted to stop. Before that I wanted to continue even during all the negatives. You cannot help someone through addiction until they are ready to change for a fact.

Sounds like you are there. I wish you the best. Talking about it and finding healthy habits certainly can make it a bit easier to handle. It is easy to fall back on when times are hard or stress comes into your life. Its like dieting or pre-contest before a show. It takes an amazing amount of will-power and even then is easy to fall off track. I hope you can stick through it and get back to where you would like and need to be :)

Sperwer
10-23-2013, 02:44 AM
2 points:

1. A fraud doesn't own his shit the way you have; only men do that.

2. You can beat your demons, provided you remember they will always still be there.. When I came back from VN after three "tours" - well, more like 2 3/4 when i was shot and invalided out - a lot of guys were hooked on heroin. I was an adrenaline junkie, so I got involved with coke, long before it got fashionable; we even figured out how to smoke it "crack" style. That was 40 years ago, but every once and awhile today I get these really, really powerful experiences in which I can smell, taste and hear the stuff and everything else that went along with it (girls). Sometimes, these episodes of "euphoric recall" last upwards of a week and, if I don't do anything to distract myself, that's all I'll think about. Work and exercise - for the past several years, lifting -- have been my solutions. And it starts with just showing up at the office/gym. You're back on the path.. Keep showing up.

BoneDaddy
10-23-2013, 05:20 AM
Funny because not to argue with you because I like and respect you but I see it through my eyes the opposite way.

My second full time job after graduating college was working at a major gym. We had "parties" after work and all the true NPC/IFBB guys and others got together and did rec stuff.. This was the first time in my life I had tried them. We did this weekly, went to strip clubs, brought girls back, etc..etc..it became habitual for all of us. In fact after shows, etc..we'd go out by the dozens and this was regular behavior for the majority of the guys. I found that most BBers in general had "addictive" personalities.

I was competing at the time and it took a huge toll on me personally and at contest time. All of my friends in the industry were into rec. stuff as well as AAS. It took about a year, thousands and thousands of dollars down the drain, a relationship loss and a number of other negatives in my life before I finally got to the point where I actually wanted to stop. Before that I wanted to continue even during all the negatives. You cannot help someone through addiction until they are ready to change for a fact.

Sounds like you are there. I wish you the best. Talking about it and finding healthy habits certainly can make it a bit easier to handle. It is easy to fall back on when times are hard or stress comes into your life. Its like dieting or pre-contest before a show. It takes an amazing amount of will-power and even then is easy to fall off track. I hope you can stick through it and get back to where you would like and need to be :)

It's done in my mind. I feel like I reached a point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Now I just want to replace 1 habit (drinking/poor lifestyle choices) with another habit (BB/Fitness). I even sat down and wrote out a workout plan/regiment to ease myself back in. I forgot to post pics last night because I was working on that. I'll post it later for everyone's critique. I'm definitely seeking help on the nutrition aspect though.


2 points:

1. A fraud doesn't own his shit the way you have; only men do that.

2. You can beat your demons, provided you remember they will always still be there.. When I came back from VN after three "tours" - well, more like 2 3/4 when i was shot and invalided out - a lot of guys were hooked on heroin. I was an adrenaline junkie, so I got involved with coke, long before it got fashionable; we even figured out how to smoke it "crack" style. That was 40 years ago, but every once and awhile today I get these really, really powerful experiences in which I can smell, taste and hear the stuff and everything else that went along with it (girls). Sometimes, these episodes of "euphoric recall" last upwards of a week and, if I don't do anything to distract myself, that's all I'll think about. Work and exercise - for the past several years, lifting -- have been my solutions. And it starts with just showing up at the office/gym. You're back on the path.. Keep showing up.

Thanks brother, I appreciate that.... and from 1 vet to another, thank you for that, too. I'm certain you saw far more shit than I did though. I'm glad to see you overcame, it serves as inspiration!! I know exactly what you mean about the cravings.....I've had a few surgeries where morphine was used and I get cravings for it at times......like now, just talking about it! lol So I get that it's going to be an ongoing battle. I'm a musician, and I read an article a bit back about how artists have addictive personalities in general.....it was a very interesting read. Tonight is band practice where my usual routine has been to take a growler and finish it by the end of band practice. A growler. A half gallon of fucking beer!! Anyone else as shocked as I am? lol My goal tonight; To take no beer and to not drink anything. Sounds reasonable to me.

burlyman30
10-23-2013, 07:07 AM
You're going to get thirsty at band practice most likely, so bring water or Gatorade or something else you'd enjoy sipping on. The hardest thing about addictions is being able to simply stop behavior. Your body gets thirsty. Body signals brain. You grab beer. That is a hard signal to ignore, because it's a physical compulsion. So it's important to find "replacements" for our vices. Gatorade to replace beer, gym time to replace idle time or couch time, etc. The urges will come, no doubt, so if you have something you can do about it (replacement activity) you are in a far more powerful position than just trying to ignore those signals.

BoneDaddy
10-23-2013, 07:45 AM
You're going to get thirsty at band practice most likely, so bring water or Gatorade or something else you'd enjoy sipping on. The hardest thing about addictions is being able to simply stop behavior. Your body gets thirsty. Body signals brain. You grab beer. That is a hard signal to ignore, because it's a physical compulsion. So it's important to find "replacements" for our vices. Gatorade to replace beer, gym time to replace idle time or couch time, etc. The urges will come, no doubt, so if you have something you can do about it (replacement activity) you are in a far more powerful position than just trying to ignore those signals.

Agreed, and solid advice. I'm taking a cooler full of Perrier flavored water. Something to have in my hand, to drink, and it has bubbles. lol

Jelisej
10-23-2013, 10:12 AM
I think you are all on a wrong track- his problems most likely comes from "mental side" and that is where he needs to concetrate most, solving underlying issues and root of the problem, ignoring problem and concentrating on gym will make it easier but eventually he'll be in same situation again.
Plus, his CNS is taking battering right now, heavy exercise will tax it even more and deplete his body of much needed chemicals (hormones etc...)
He need to start slowly and make 5 year plan, "progressive loading" is the word.

burlyman30
10-23-2013, 10:49 AM
I think you are all on a wrong track- his problems most likely comes from "mental side" and that is where he needs to concetrate most, solving underlying issues and root of the problem, ignoring problem and concentrating on gym will make it easier but eventually he'll be in same situation again.
Plus, his CNS is taking battering right now, heavy exercise will tax it even more and deplete his body of much needed chemicals (hormones etc...)
He need to start slowly and make 5 year plan, "progressive loading" is the word.

I don't think anyone is saying to ignore the mental side of things, but just that taking a step forward in the right direction was a must. Since I have a degree in behavioral psychology, I'd put forth the idea that the mind affects the behavioral side and the behaviors affect the mental side. There is significant crossover between the two and both should be addressed in the appropriate fashion.

As far as how fast to come back, I'd have to say it's highly individualistic, based on age, genetics, and length of time away from the gym. It takes me a month to get back in the groove, and 2 months to get "back to normal". Others may take 2 weeks or 3 months to have the body in a routine depending on multiple factors.

Jelisej
10-23-2013, 11:07 AM
I dont have any degree in anything , basically I'm an "alchemist", tough I have my own base of knowledge and experience- and in private life I always say: "person can only be fat in his head", what I mean is if person change his own self-image it will affect his outward appearance, this is obviously slow process but it lasts- on other hand if that person concetrate only on physical aspect- even if he loses weight- sooner or later it will come back, maybe after one maybe after five years, but it will come back...

Other thing is, his central nervous system is on low point, his hormones are on lower end as well- putting strain in that situation is not good idea, he needs very slowly to work his way up, and also it would be advisable to to some health check-up
As for "mental side"- he has been here before, and if he dose not clear his mind he'll be there again- so he needs to work on himself with emphasis on "mental".

Sperwer
10-23-2013, 06:49 PM
I think you are all on a wrong track- his problems most likely comes from "mental side" and that is where he needs to concetrate most, solving underlying issues and root of the problem, ignoring problem and concentrating on gym will make it easier but eventually he'll be in same situation again.
Plus, his CNS is taking battering right now, heavy exercise will tax it even more and deplete his body of much needed chemicals (hormones etc...)
He need to start slowly and make 5 year plan, "progressive loading" is the word.

Agreed that the actions we've recommended don't go to the root of the problem, and all DELIBERATE speed is the watchword; but done mindfully they are palliatives that will relieve the symptoms and their consequences and open up a space for the other work

xxiv
10-24-2013, 05:49 AM
I think you are all on a wrong track- his problems most likely comes from "mental side" and that is where he needs to concetrate most, solving underlying issues and root of the problem, ignoring problem and concentrating on gym will make it easier but eventually he'll be in same situation again.
Plus, his CNS is taking battering right now, heavy exercise will tax it even more and deplete his body of much needed chemicals (hormones etc...)
He need to start slowly and make 5 year plan, "progressive loading" is the word.

The real strength of this forum is seen in this post right here, guys like jelisej have no problem posting against the common consensus of the forum and we as a community respectfully rebute..... And he's right, alot of the svice given to BD neglected the underlying mental issue that started his spiral.

I've (like most of us here) have been in similar situations where ife has just gotten away from me and I think it's just ife and how it's supposed to be. As american men we are taught to knock back a few beers after a hard day of work and order a pizza and thats how you deal with your problems. Girls are taught to handle heartbreak with icecream. It is more socially acceptable to handle your problems with self destructive behavior than it is to flourish and work towards goals. The better I look and feel the more my peers resent me for not aging disgracefully like them. I have lost more "friends" living a healthy ilfestyle than I did living a counterproductive deathstyle.

Bds issues may be deep mental or he could have just gotten caught up with what comes to us americans easily (just getting fat and lazy and having a few too many beers). The important thing is that he reccognizes and owns his mistakes and work towards making his life the one he wants and desreves. I would encourage him to seek any and all the help he has at his disposal. If he can talk to a mental health professional I think that would be great.

again, it's threads like this that really show what a unique forum this is.

Turbo6GN
10-24-2013, 08:18 AM
Ok, I guess it's my turn...

I don't think there is any need to over complicate this or look too deep. Basically as I see it you simply exchanged one routine for another. You got out of the gym/decent diet/fitness goals routine and got onto the laying around/drinking pints routine. Choosing one over the other doesn't make you a bad person, we all get out of sorts from time to time. It's also worth pointing out that a bigger fella like yourself will be prone to putting on a few pounds, especially if you're smashing pints ED or EOD. As far as going on some spiritual quest or psychotherapy I think getting re-acquainted with yourself and the gym is all you need. There is nothing more addictive then the mirror, that's why we are all here. Seeing a body transform (albeit slowly) is it's own reward and will give you everything you need.

As far as supplements go, I think something as simple as creatine can get you back on your feet. Getting back into the routine (there's that word again lol) of dosing daily and keeping a schedule is a huge motivation. You are paying for it, get it in ya and go hit the steel. Slowly start to adjust your diet and focus on injury prevention. You'll be fine, there is a ton of support and bright minds here.

burlyman30
10-24-2013, 08:58 AM
Changing up things a bit here...

BD, how was your day?

BoneDaddy
10-24-2013, 09:48 AM
Changing up things a bit here...

BD, how was your day?

Busy as hell! Good stuff in here and I'd like to address it but it'll have to come later. Success last night, no booze. I'm busting with pride oddly enough. lol I'm feeling good about everything and feel like this go around will have positive traction. I'll hit back after work with an in depth update and thoughts. Thanks for the contributions everyone!

Jelisej
10-24-2013, 11:05 AM
BoneDaddy, you're a great guy and you're probably only person on this forum that does not see that.
Now, after I gave you a compliment I can go back to my usual-self:
Bro' your plan of getting in shape is shit. On top of completely ignoring "mental side" (which is main cause IMO), you're forgeting the fact that at 250lb if you try to be Rocky Balboa you'll end up with ruined joints, your plan needs to be long term as your recomp will take at least 5 years- and for starters:
when was the last time you went for a long, long walk? And beleive me, long walking is very beneficial for you- and when I say walk I dont mean that shit machine in gym where you just lift your legs, I'm talking about "street life" walk where you have to lift your whole body, and where actually things are happening around you...

Instead of beer just hold a water in your hand, watch some tv show that will keep you interested and relax (walking dead, game of thrones, lost, prison break, whatever)

Instead of trying to find reason why to feel unhappy about yourself, try to find good things about yourself. You lost one friend, but do you need to lose another fifty by closing your doors? If you feel guilt about something if you really feel need to redemption there are many things you can do for others and for humanity.
Bro' beleive it or not, you are needed in this world- if anything at least once you recover you can help other to find their way help others.
If you open your eyes, you'll see that many people would benefit from your help....
And, just to remind you that we are here for you, just as you will be for others....

So, bro'- I want to hear some concrete plans...Because
Tonight it all starts.

Grape Ape
10-25-2013, 06:44 AM
If the drinking is really a problem there's a ton of inspiration in the rooms. A.A. in general has changed many lives, and though I haven't been back.to one in a while myself, the time I spent in meetings helped shape the 1.5 years I now have alcohol free. Not an easy task at 23, or something I could have fully done on my own.

pman42
10-26-2013, 05:23 PM
Just saw this thread and I will jump in and say: get off the sauce. if you don't think you can do it on your own, then get help, either in the form of AA or professional counselling. I was spiralling down into the morass of alcohol and the crazy thing is, I knew it was bad but I didn't see HOW bad it was until I could look at it in retrospect. now I can see that it was insane. I wasted untold amounts of time and money, and got sidetracked from my goals. I've been sober a few years now and I can honestly say that my life is a TON better. there is the odd time I miss beers with the fellas but if I have a drop I want a gallon so better to leave it alone.

At least you have the sense to recognize the problem. that is the first step. now take action. you're welcome to message me and I can give you my email and Skype if you want. I know it can feel like the loneliest place in the world, being depressed, but it doesn't have to be.

pman42
10-26-2013, 05:26 PM
To add to what jelisej said about taking it easy: it works for a lot of people. in AA there is a saying, "Easy does it,, but do it." I always preferred to go all-in. when I came off the booze and strength was way down, I responded by smashing myself in the gym. and in the ensuing weeks when the depression and anxiety initially got worse, I went hard in the gym. really helped me. but you may be different. gauge your body and how you respond

weekend
10-26-2013, 05:27 PM
I also prefer going all in as well.

nate3993
10-26-2013, 08:49 PM
I also prefer going all in as well.

Even.......balls deep? ;)

xxiv
10-27-2013, 06:16 AM
Even.......balls deep? ;)

i like to tell them I'll only go 1/2 way in and if you don't like it we can stop and snuggle.

VayneZ
10-28-2013, 05:50 PM
BoneD, I can't believe I've missed this. But I read the replies of everyone and I feel ya man. I had a problem with hard drugs. So it's different but pretty much the same as well you can say. In my Avi pic, I was actually breaking free from my addiction. 2 Things that helped me personally was really digging deep through the bible (which I had never ever done in my life, and had no idea what it was all about) and the fact that throughout my addiction I kept working out, and kept eating.

I personally have never been addicted to alcohol (had my binge days, but never really an addiction), but with hard drugs you just don't want to eat anything nor want to DO anything really. It's that deep mental voice inside my head that always screamed at me to COOK SOMETHING! EAT! go JOG! go to the GYM! I remember I would go jogging on the beach (I was living in South Beach) with my dog, at noon if I had to, all drugged up. Had my Ipod and listened to crazy adrenaline death metal and would just kill myself out there. It's funny but, it was usually the moments I was most drugged up that I would just get this sick urge to just go out and chase some adrenaline, some rush! Sweat the sickness out!!!! So throughout my addiction I was already fighting, physically/mentally, my training and what I ate.

I know I'm a week late, so I'll assume the rest of the crew already lifted you up and based on your replies I see you're doing very well. Looking forward to see you in the competition section! Hey, Even Weekend's competing and he already has a perfect physique! :p So you would really benefit by entering as soon as you can.

And remember what I said, as a ''just in case'' things get ugly again. Never stop eating clean and good, never stop kicking your endorphins to work and feeling the pump! Put a timer if you have to and just eat something you prepare once or twice a week (stored in the fridge) every 2 or 3 hours. Be like a soldier. Let go of your feelings... use your mind!! Like Jelisej said ''just get back up''.

SS crew has your back! (even late VayneZ)

h2s
10-29-2013, 09:56 AM
Disclaimer: I didn't read the entire thread

We have all been there. I am currently there.

I have had a rollercoaster of a life over the past 6 months. In that time I broke up with a girlfriend of 6 years, moved twice, gained new friends, lost track of others, started to party a bit too hard and transitioned to going out less than I should (finally balanced this). While all of this was going on, work (for reasons beyond my control) has spun out of control and working all day to come home and work all night is not uncommon. Last weekend I worked until 4am on sunday to report in at 8 am the next day. During this time, my diet has wavered from awesome to shit, to awesome to shit. Workouts rarely happen, and when they do the energy isn't there. Slowly I stopped going. Towards the begining of the transition, I was on cycle, I literally came off because I realized I was on and wasn't making it to the gym. My physique has gone from 200+lbs with abs, to under 200 with only shallow outlines. People still reference me as muscular, but knowing what I was, I don't internally accept the compliment. I slipped off the face of many forums, and even struggled to keep up with somethings for this one. Fucking sucks.

But it is all an excuse. Life is still crazy. Work is still crazy. Women are still everywhere and desperately want me to spend all my time with them (ok, thats what I tell myself, haha). It is still easier to order take out instead of cook. It is still easier to get more work done instead of lift. None of this changed. None of it will. The only thing that can change is my motivation, and finally it is coming back. I want to return to where I was. I want to. So its on me now. I am back to lifting. I added in some cardio. My meals are tightening up a bit, and I am about to go on a winter bulk. Life is busy and full of things that will bring you down at times, this won't change, but what you do with it can.

Good luck on your return, you are not a fraud, you are human.

KAB111
10-29-2013, 10:30 AM
Best part of all of this...... You are human..... Well said H2S

Disclaimer: I didn't read the entire thread

We have all been there. I am currently there.

I have had a rollercoaster of a life over the past 6 months. In that time I broke up with a girlfriend of 6 years, moved twice, gained new friends, lost track of others, started to party a bit too hard and transitioned to going out less than I should (finally balanced this). While all of this was going on, work (for reasons beyond my control) has spun out of control and working all day to come home and work all night is not uncommon. Last weekend I worked until 4am on sunday to report in at 8 am the next day. During this time, my diet has wavered from awesome to shit, to awesome to shit. Workouts rarely happen, and when they do the energy isn't there. Slowly I stopped going. Towards the begining of the transition, I was on cycle, I literally came off because I realized I was on and wasn't making it to the gym. My physique has gone from 200+lbs with abs, to under 200 with only shallow outlines. People still reference me as muscular, but knowing what I was, I don't internally accept the compliment. I slipped off the face of many forums, and even struggled to keep up with somethings for this one. Fucking sucks.

But it is all an excuse. Life is still crazy. Work is still crazy. Women are still everywhere and desperately want me to spend all my time with them (ok, thats what I tell myself, haha). It is still easier to order take out instead of cook. It is still easier to get more work done instead of lift. None of this changed. None of it will. The only thing that can change is my motivation, and finally it is coming back. I want to return to where I was. I want to. So its on me now. I am back to lifting. I added in some cardio. My meals are tightening up a bit, and I am about to go on a winter bulk. Life is busy and full of things that will bring you down at times, this won't change, but what you do with it can.

Good luck on your return, you are not a fraud, you are human.

booklifter
11-08-2013, 05:37 AM
Yo BD, what up? It's been a couple weeks - how's work/gym/scale/self-actualization?

Take it from someone all too familiar with downward spirals - every downward spiral is an upward spiral when you're moving in the other direction (even just a little at first). If you miss a step, just get back up and keep moving steadily in the right direction.
967

BoneDaddy
11-08-2013, 06:05 AM
Sorry I've been absent from the board fellas. I've had the dreaded flu and haven't really been doing shit all. Back at work today, just a minor set back. Thanks for the kind words and some of the PMs I've gotten. This board is hands down the best ever.

burlyman30
11-08-2013, 07:19 AM
Welcome back.

VayneZ
11-08-2013, 12:25 PM
typical of life. You start off with a goal and things like 'flu' happens. How are you feeling today though? Did you manage to eat right and workout through the flu?

BoneDaddy
11-08-2013, 01:02 PM
typical of life. You start off with a goal and things like 'flu' happens. How are you feeling today though? Did you manage to eat right and workout through the flu?

Ppfftt....eating and working out were not even in the realm of possibility. The only time I left the bed was to crawl to the bathroom to pray to the porcelain god. The gym won't happen today but I've managed to at least clean today, what little bit I've eaten.

VayneZ
11-09-2013, 06:24 PM
oef... sounds like a hell of a flu! You probably lost some weight (not the most healthiest way..)