Bison719
09-13-2020, 07:04 AM
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
Well here it goes, I have been lurking on this site for about a month now since I originally discovered it, reading as much as I possibly can that has been posted on here over the years. If you have posted a story here...I have probably read it. I landed here in the same way many of you did, frozen in fear after spending countless hours on other forums--PH, PSSD Forum, Reddit, etc. Then, while reading on another forum, I saw a random post from someone that mentioned this site and the numerous recovery stories that have been documented here. I was obviously very skeptical, but decided to check it out anyway, and have been absolutely blown away by the stark contrast of the overall mood/attitude here versus other sites. Let alone the recovery stories, which, to anyone who has been afflicted with this condition, can feel like a distant mirage to a thirsty, weary traveler desperately looking for a drop of water in a sprawling desert of hopelessness and despair.
But alas, here I am. What happened to me isn't much different than what has happened to any of you that are reading my story, and no explanation or description that I could come up with would be able to describe this condition and the feelings that accompany it any better than many of you already have in your intro posts. I was a normal 35 year old dude, healthy, 3 young daughters, beautiful wife, business owner...life was good. I worked on my business, spent time with my growing family, and on weekends went out for beers with the boys. Like I said, normal dude stuff. I went through a little rough patch where I was having some pretty bad anxiety which was manifesting itself in some physical symptoms, so I decided to go to the doctor and get checked out to make sure it wasn't anything more severe. Based on the physical issues I was having, I feared MS, even though I knew I was probably being a hypochondriac, I wanted to get checked out anyway just for peace of mind. Only issue is, I didn't even have a doctor, because I hadn't been to one in years, like I said, I was a normal healthy dude and never really needed a doctor. I was initially given Xanax for a couple weeks to take as needed. After that, because the doctor didn't want me getting hooked on Xanax, he prescribed me Escitalopram (Lexapro), and that is where my unwitting story took a nasty turn. I bring up the fact that I rarely ever found myself in a doctor's office only to emphasize the point that when I was prescribed the Lexapro, I was, in the purest and most innocent sense of the word, ignorant. I did have a little apprehension to take the pills, but in my head it was as simple as--go to doc, doc gives pills, pills make better. Ignorant. If it's an FDA approved drug prescribed by a licensed doctor, there's no way anything bad can happen, amirite? Anyone who is here knows how absurdly ridiculous that sounds, and I would do anything to go back to that moment I swallowed that first pill and flush those down the toilet and never look back, but I'm not here to change the past, I'm here to alter the trajectory my life has been on and change my future. I have to, I must, and with the support of this community, I will.
A Brief Timeline...
July 25, 2019 - August 23, 2019: Took a total of thirty 10mg pills of Escitalopram. Had nasty sides pretty much from the jump, so I stopped cold turkey after 30 days.
August 24, 2019-November 19, 2019: Had some small issues upon jumping off the Escitalopram, but nothing too major. Some irritability, depersonalization, brain zaps, etc. Nothing too crazy really. Within a week or two, I'd say I was back to normal. All the sexual sides I had whilst on the drug had resolved. My sex drive was back to 100%, erections were 100%...I was back. Things stayed that way for about three months, and then completely out of nowhere, I woke up one day and my sex drive was completely gone. Zapped. Done. Severe ED followed right on the heels of that, and then not far behind was the return of the genital numbness I had while taking the drug.
November 20, 2019 - June 29, 2020: The next seven months were pretty much stagnant with some ups and downs...or windows and waves...whatever you want to call them. My sex drive was still zapped 90% of the time, but I would have some decent days here and there. ED was persistent, but even when I was able to get a decent erection, it had to work up quite the lather to achieve it. The numbness was always present, sometimes awful, sometimes not quite as awful, but always there. In May and June of this year, I thought I was trending upwards. I had a few spontaneous erections that I hadn't gotten in a looong time, I was able to get an erection a few times from visual stimuli, which also hadn't happened in forever.
June 30, 2020 - Present: The Crash. In the PFS world, there is a term you guys use called "The Crash" that I was never aware of previously. It seems this term is not as widely used on the PSSD side of things for whatever reason, but oh how I learned the hard way what it was. I woke up on June 30, and the unbearable condition I had been dealing with for 7+ months now, the one that I thought couldn't possibly get worse, had gotten much, much worse almost instantly. I woke up that morning with a horrific brain fog, no short term memory whatsoever, penile tissue changes and shrinkage....fun stuff. That was over two months ago now, and I am basically in the same situation at the present moment.
Current Ongoing Symptoms
- Non-existent libido
- ED, can sometimes get an erection, but they're not great. May/June I had some hope because I was getting some good erections, but after June 30, not so much.
- Brain Fog that comes and goes
- Short Term memory that comes and goes
- Pain in genitals, both penis and balls. Not severe, but omnipresent.
- Lack of energy/motivation. I was always a super high energy guy, and it feels like the life has been sucked out of me.
- Weird fat deposits. I admittedly let my weight slip a little bit in recent months, I got up to about 237 lbs. (I'm 6'2", so I didn't look too horrible, but I was definitely getting doughy). I'm now down to about 215 due to completely changing my diet, with a target weight of 200, but even with the weight loss, the fat is distributed strangely on my body in a way I never ever remember it being. I have weird looking man boobs and my nipples are kind of puffy. I also have a pronounced front belly pouch that has never been this bad.
- I'm not shedding. I've always lost about 10-20 hairs in the shower, but have barely noticed a single follicle come out in the last couple months. No idea what this means.
- My worst symptom would have to be the penile tissue changes that came on with my crash. I got the hard-flaccid thing, retracting penis, rotation on axis, and just the overall feeling of a very weak penis. Like it's fragile. Definitely not the malleable, pliable tissue it has been for my previous 35 years of existence.
Moving Forward
So that's it, I'm sure I'm forgetting some stuff, but that's a pretty good summary of who I am and where I've been. Now as far as where I'm going.....that is why I'm here. I've been wanting to write this post for a while now, but I've been nervous, and I can't exactly pinpoint why. Maybe it's because writing this would affirm that this is real and not allow me to be in denial about it? Maybe because this is a PFS forum and I never took Finasteride so I'm scared this protocol specifically designed for past Fin users won't work for me? I don't know exactly. I'm scared...I'm broken...I'm a complete shell of my former self and everyone has noticed. In my current state I can't be the father I know I was put on this Earth to be and that crushes my soul. I can't be the husband my wife deserves. I hear the whispers from my friends wondering what the hell happened to their previously fun and vivacious buddy.
To all of those on this forum who currently find themselves in a similar situation, I am here to fight this fight with you, and I am thankful that this community exists so we can come together and share our experiences. Strength in numbers.
To those who have come out on the other side and shared your successes on this site, thank you, your stories are my hope and what keeps me going.
Mostly, I'm just looking forward to starting the next, triumphant chapter in my story and no longer letting my past dictate my future. Any feedback you guys have is definitely welcomed. I'm definitely a noob here, and although I've exhaustively read everything on the TMO site, I want to make sure this is something I should pursue even though I have never taken Fin.
Thanks to every for reading. Happy NFL Sunday.
GO BEARS!
Well here it goes, I have been lurking on this site for about a month now since I originally discovered it, reading as much as I possibly can that has been posted on here over the years. If you have posted a story here...I have probably read it. I landed here in the same way many of you did, frozen in fear after spending countless hours on other forums--PH, PSSD Forum, Reddit, etc. Then, while reading on another forum, I saw a random post from someone that mentioned this site and the numerous recovery stories that have been documented here. I was obviously very skeptical, but decided to check it out anyway, and have been absolutely blown away by the stark contrast of the overall mood/attitude here versus other sites. Let alone the recovery stories, which, to anyone who has been afflicted with this condition, can feel like a distant mirage to a thirsty, weary traveler desperately looking for a drop of water in a sprawling desert of hopelessness and despair.
But alas, here I am. What happened to me isn't much different than what has happened to any of you that are reading my story, and no explanation or description that I could come up with would be able to describe this condition and the feelings that accompany it any better than many of you already have in your intro posts. I was a normal 35 year old dude, healthy, 3 young daughters, beautiful wife, business owner...life was good. I worked on my business, spent time with my growing family, and on weekends went out for beers with the boys. Like I said, normal dude stuff. I went through a little rough patch where I was having some pretty bad anxiety which was manifesting itself in some physical symptoms, so I decided to go to the doctor and get checked out to make sure it wasn't anything more severe. Based on the physical issues I was having, I feared MS, even though I knew I was probably being a hypochondriac, I wanted to get checked out anyway just for peace of mind. Only issue is, I didn't even have a doctor, because I hadn't been to one in years, like I said, I was a normal healthy dude and never really needed a doctor. I was initially given Xanax for a couple weeks to take as needed. After that, because the doctor didn't want me getting hooked on Xanax, he prescribed me Escitalopram (Lexapro), and that is where my unwitting story took a nasty turn. I bring up the fact that I rarely ever found myself in a doctor's office only to emphasize the point that when I was prescribed the Lexapro, I was, in the purest and most innocent sense of the word, ignorant. I did have a little apprehension to take the pills, but in my head it was as simple as--go to doc, doc gives pills, pills make better. Ignorant. If it's an FDA approved drug prescribed by a licensed doctor, there's no way anything bad can happen, amirite? Anyone who is here knows how absurdly ridiculous that sounds, and I would do anything to go back to that moment I swallowed that first pill and flush those down the toilet and never look back, but I'm not here to change the past, I'm here to alter the trajectory my life has been on and change my future. I have to, I must, and with the support of this community, I will.
A Brief Timeline...
July 25, 2019 - August 23, 2019: Took a total of thirty 10mg pills of Escitalopram. Had nasty sides pretty much from the jump, so I stopped cold turkey after 30 days.
August 24, 2019-November 19, 2019: Had some small issues upon jumping off the Escitalopram, but nothing too major. Some irritability, depersonalization, brain zaps, etc. Nothing too crazy really. Within a week or two, I'd say I was back to normal. All the sexual sides I had whilst on the drug had resolved. My sex drive was back to 100%, erections were 100%...I was back. Things stayed that way for about three months, and then completely out of nowhere, I woke up one day and my sex drive was completely gone. Zapped. Done. Severe ED followed right on the heels of that, and then not far behind was the return of the genital numbness I had while taking the drug.
November 20, 2019 - June 29, 2020: The next seven months were pretty much stagnant with some ups and downs...or windows and waves...whatever you want to call them. My sex drive was still zapped 90% of the time, but I would have some decent days here and there. ED was persistent, but even when I was able to get a decent erection, it had to work up quite the lather to achieve it. The numbness was always present, sometimes awful, sometimes not quite as awful, but always there. In May and June of this year, I thought I was trending upwards. I had a few spontaneous erections that I hadn't gotten in a looong time, I was able to get an erection a few times from visual stimuli, which also hadn't happened in forever.
June 30, 2020 - Present: The Crash. In the PFS world, there is a term you guys use called "The Crash" that I was never aware of previously. It seems this term is not as widely used on the PSSD side of things for whatever reason, but oh how I learned the hard way what it was. I woke up on June 30, and the unbearable condition I had been dealing with for 7+ months now, the one that I thought couldn't possibly get worse, had gotten much, much worse almost instantly. I woke up that morning with a horrific brain fog, no short term memory whatsoever, penile tissue changes and shrinkage....fun stuff. That was over two months ago now, and I am basically in the same situation at the present moment.
Current Ongoing Symptoms
- Non-existent libido
- ED, can sometimes get an erection, but they're not great. May/June I had some hope because I was getting some good erections, but after June 30, not so much.
- Brain Fog that comes and goes
- Short Term memory that comes and goes
- Pain in genitals, both penis and balls. Not severe, but omnipresent.
- Lack of energy/motivation. I was always a super high energy guy, and it feels like the life has been sucked out of me.
- Weird fat deposits. I admittedly let my weight slip a little bit in recent months, I got up to about 237 lbs. (I'm 6'2", so I didn't look too horrible, but I was definitely getting doughy). I'm now down to about 215 due to completely changing my diet, with a target weight of 200, but even with the weight loss, the fat is distributed strangely on my body in a way I never ever remember it being. I have weird looking man boobs and my nipples are kind of puffy. I also have a pronounced front belly pouch that has never been this bad.
- I'm not shedding. I've always lost about 10-20 hairs in the shower, but have barely noticed a single follicle come out in the last couple months. No idea what this means.
- My worst symptom would have to be the penile tissue changes that came on with my crash. I got the hard-flaccid thing, retracting penis, rotation on axis, and just the overall feeling of a very weak penis. Like it's fragile. Definitely not the malleable, pliable tissue it has been for my previous 35 years of existence.
Moving Forward
So that's it, I'm sure I'm forgetting some stuff, but that's a pretty good summary of who I am and where I've been. Now as far as where I'm going.....that is why I'm here. I've been wanting to write this post for a while now, but I've been nervous, and I can't exactly pinpoint why. Maybe it's because writing this would affirm that this is real and not allow me to be in denial about it? Maybe because this is a PFS forum and I never took Finasteride so I'm scared this protocol specifically designed for past Fin users won't work for me? I don't know exactly. I'm scared...I'm broken...I'm a complete shell of my former self and everyone has noticed. In my current state I can't be the father I know I was put on this Earth to be and that crushes my soul. I can't be the husband my wife deserves. I hear the whispers from my friends wondering what the hell happened to their previously fun and vivacious buddy.
To all of those on this forum who currently find themselves in a similar situation, I am here to fight this fight with you, and I am thankful that this community exists so we can come together and share our experiences. Strength in numbers.
To those who have come out on the other side and shared your successes on this site, thank you, your stories are my hope and what keeps me going.
Mostly, I'm just looking forward to starting the next, triumphant chapter in my story and no longer letting my past dictate my future. Any feedback you guys have is definitely welcomed. I'm definitely a noob here, and although I've exhaustively read everything on the TMO site, I want to make sure this is something I should pursue even though I have never taken Fin.
Thanks to every for reading. Happy NFL Sunday.
GO BEARS!