Originally Posted by
LetsGo
Time for the next update…
My arms are close to 14” now, up from 12” when I started. With a pump they’re 14”, but right now it’s about 13.75”. My gym is closing at the end of August so I’m thinking of just cancelling this weekend and joining another gym that is cheaper, also not crowded, nicer, and a 5 minute walk from where I live. But I also feel like that would be “admitting defeat” in terms of my job search. I don’t want to be doubling down on my commitments to living in this place - but that’s not really rational. I should probably join this other gym. Also, I need to do more in terms of training legs. I don’t ever want big big legs, and I fear lower back injuries, which ruined my dad’s quality of life. So I may go higher rep, lower weights in that area, and I think I’ll still gain some leg mass but only a small amount, which suits me fine. I have naturally big legs, and I don’t see the point of trying to have huge legs. I just want to avoid the “muscular upper body, completely untrained lower body” phenomenon, which looks bad. It will be a lot more convenient to train when it’s only 5 minutes away.
Around 2 weeks ago, I did have a nice upswing. I then had a bit of a downswing again - I’ve just been in very bad moods lately because of non-PFS things. I’m stuck living in a small city that I don’t like, working a crappy job way below my skill and education level, while sending out applications. Although it’s been over a week since I sent any. I had a promising phone interview in the city I’m looking to move back to, and it would be double my current salary. But I found out they have a hiring freeze, and even if I make it to and pass the next 2 rounds of interviews, it would take me “a few months” (like 3 - 5) to get hired. I’m so sick of waiting though. I’m obviously going to keep applying elsewhere.
He Sho Wu seems to be, at least for me, a stimulant that can destroy my sleep if taken too late. I’m insanely sensitive to stimulants, to the point where a cup of coffee at 9 AM = I can’t get to sleep until 2 AM. The He Sho Wu, when I take the second dose in the early evening, keeps me up until literally 4 - 5 AM. This happened a few times in a row, so it’s basically confirmed - looking at my sleep log, I would always get awful sleep when that herb comes up in the rotation. So I'll have to make sure I only ever take it in the morning. Maybe just take the full amount at once, in the morning, instead of two separate doses, and see if it still keeps me up. I can’t ruin my sleep every ~2 weeks.
I had several days of horrible sleep in the last few days, and my mood was in the absolute gutter, to the point where my family was/is extremely worried about me. I can only really bounce back from one sub-3 hours of sleep night. If it happens multiple times in a short period, things become horrible and my whole personality is completely different. I could never have been a Navy SEAL (not that I’d want to) - all the sleep deprivation stuff that they do sounds awful. (I’m sure there are other reasons why I wouldn’t make it as a SEAL; my unwillingness to join the Navy would have been a sticking point.)
But anyway, on these downswings, things are still better than they were before I started everything.
I’m going to take some new photos for my dating site stuff this weekend. I have an extremely high-end lens for portraits, and I know how to use it, so there’s that. I hate being almost 36 and single. I want to have a family someday so I feel like I’m under the gun - obviously I’ll be dating women who are younger than me and thankfully it seems like women 25 - 29 are still into me. I don’t get why anyone would want to be with someone significantly older than them. When I was 25, I could date 22 - 28, now I feel like I have a smaller dating pool because I’m not going to date someone around my age. If I’m with someone for a few years and it doesn’t work out, I don’t have as many years left to play with - if you’re 25 you can do a few 2 - 3 year relationships and you have more chances to hit on the right one. I’m just very anxious about that, and I’ll be crushed if all my mistakes lead to me never getting to have a family. On the other hand, I also don’t want to wind up in a bad relationship + having kids with someone who isn’t good for me. These things keep me up at night.
My major focus now is in finding a job in the city where I want to live, and also continuing to work on my business projects. I want to move YESTERDAY, so it’s unbearable staying here, not knowing how long it will take to get something new. I hope it only takes a couple of months and that it doesn’t drag into 2020... And it's incredibly hard when I feel exhausted and miserable, but hopefully I will feel a lot better when I get more sleep. It’s torture for me to live in this small city where I’m very unhappy. Gotta focus on the positive, I suppose. And I should put more effort into dating where I live now, knowing that it will be short-term.