index's journal

Hey guys,

I had taken 4 1mg pills Dec 12th - 15th of last year and stopped due to slightly lowered libido, and sides went away quickly. And sadly March 16th to April 4th of this year I took .25 mg each day thinking it would reduce sides. I was feeling great until April 1st when I woke up one night feeling disconnected from my dick and had shooting anxiety pangs through my body (if that makes sense lol) and then got off a couple days later. My sides weren't even that bad but then five days later I went into a deep panic and anxiety attack basically all weekend long - no sleep for a couple days - and felt what I must consider to be the crash. I lost 10 lb that following week due to ZERO appetite and struggling to eat anything (I had never experienced any loss of appetite before and it was terrifying). I also was completely forgetting why I was in rooms, where I put stuff, what I was just saying or doing. I told my doctor what I am going through and I have an appointment in two days and don't expect much from it. I am avoiding the SSRI they already prescribed my last visit a Month ago (not even for depression I just said I was generally anxious).

The past two weeks have been better mentally. I can sleep, still waking a few times a night with anxiety/fear. I have tried to implement aspects of TMO (cold showers, wim hof breathing which has been amazing actually, trying to avoid gluten and eat closely to the prescribed diet, light excersize, skin brushing, sun exposure, and some light dosing of herbs which I may now think could be premature, vitamin d3, chlorella and spirulina). Even though I am better, still I cannot go 5-10 minutes without thinking about my sexual symptoms and feeling angst. It has become an obsession.

Speaking of symptoms, mine are in order of worst to most mild:

• Severely low libido (5-10%)
• really lowered penis sensitivity (especially the glans/head)
• erections do take longer to get but are usually achievable after physical stimulation - only get about 85% as hard
• orgasms are only about 50-60% as intense
• low motivation for almost anything I used to enjoy (games, work, hobbies, socializing)
• rare morning wood (though have been getting some recently though I think it is due to the herbs)
• constant guilt to myself and my friends and family about what I am going through
• slight left testicle soreness at times but I think this may be due to edging too much
• semen volume reduced by about 30-40%

Some symptoms such as libido have only gotten worse over the past month which is scary to observe. But maybe fear itself is affecting it too.

I should say I only find arousal slightly when I am edging (which I have to do less of) and it is not strong. Otherwise I feel completely castrated. This has been the worst part - trying to have sex with my partner and having no animalistic desire to make love. Orgasm still brings some pleasure but only in a relief sort of way. I also have a bad habit of "searching" for my libido by edging and I have actually caused some irritation to my dick by touching it so much... jeez

I still took the pill even though I am not single. I have an amazing partner of almost 3 years and I still took a pill for my hair... I realize just how much I let vanity get me. This is where much of my guilt is from. I have gone from the clearly hornier one in the relationship to now maybe being able to go at it every 4-5 days and not ever starting it or really wanting it. He of course knows what I am going through and has been the support I have needed and I have to appreciate that since I know a lot of guys going through this have to go it alone.

I plan to do a week long water fast starting in two days (I have done extended fasts before). I actually was planning one anyways around this time before crashing. I am taking off work next week for it.

I am 27 and am about 179 lbs at 5' 10" so I do have some weight/body fat to support the fast and that I should loose anyways. Before crashing my main exercise was running so I don't have much muscle mass - but I did run quite often. Time for that to change haha. I haven't seriously done strength training since high school so I will take it slow and steady starting with calisthenics.

My only question right now is should I wait to fast later? I'd prefer it over the feast. Maybe it is still too early since I suppose my body is still producing more 5ar over the next couple months?