Let’s see if I can stick around this time lol
Alright, so lots to throw out here, before asking for advice.
Old member here, back when you could still buy SuperDrone from PP, and man was that stuff the shit.
I was 19 at the time, fresh in the Army and reckless as all get out. I spent the majority of my enlistment, and the years after dating a girl which was absolutely terrible for me. Cheated on me multiple times, I did the same. Years of this back and fourth of this and other self destructive behavior. I was not mentally okay. This lasted until literally until last ausgust when I finally, truly, closed the book on it.
Used to lift religiously when I started, until about 22. My diet was never good for gaining though. Then when I finally learned a bit about dieting, it all went downhill.
Tried traditional anabolic after DJ couldn’t shut the fuck up about how much better they were than PH’s and that you’d never go back once you started pinning(if anyone remembers his constant push to “the dark side(lol).” Well, that was true. Unfortunately, they ARE that much better, safer, and easier to take. 2 shots a week of 125mg of test and I can gain like no tomorrow. Takes 2 seconds, and I’m good, then the gains and feel good, shoot through the roof.
Unfortunately, when they started making the gains roll in, I started not working harder. Then when I got off them, I didn’t like how I felt non enhanced. So I abused them for years. I’d start a cycle, be good, see the gains, then my work ethic dropped, my diet dropped, but the steroids stayed.
I would sometimes be taking tren and test, while doing nothing, because it kept me full, and I’d Be lean with no effort really. It was just after when I’d stopped dedicating myself to the gym, and would run it for shits and gigs essentially.
This was compounded by a habit I picked, from my unhealthy relationship. I became a coke head. Started partying a lot like everyone does when they’re young and fresh out of the Army and making up for the time they lost that they watched as all their friends around them partied and lived a carefree existence in college. I was up to a gram or so, more of the so part, a day. This carried onfor about a year and half, until I realized one day when I was driving my car, and couldn’t stop thinking about it.. that I was addicted, and it was painfully obvious, and no longer my active choice to do it, as I had thought the entire time. I was dealing too, to pay for it. So it never cost me money to do it, and I always had it around, so I never felt like I was addicted, that I was doing it because I liked it, and it was MY choice. Not to mention the drug prevalence of party drugs in the PNW. And the party friends I had. I had access to fishscale rock, at 160 a ball, that always tested 5 stars on kits. Boy was I wrong, looking back on it. Using “cruise” doses of test and sprinkling other shit in the entire time intermittently for shits and gigs. I always thought I didn’t have an addictive personality, and I still think I don’t think I really do, but when I find soemthing I REALLY like, I most certainly do. It took 6 months for the scabs on my nose to finally heal.
October 2016 I finally quit, cold turkey, and Jan 1st drove home to baltimore, to help my mom, get a fresh start, get away from the girl, get away from the drugs. I was clean for about 9 months total.
Decided in January of 2017, I had a lid on it. And started a Tren,Test,Sdrol cycle. It went well, I was doing VERY well. I did everything right. I got 8hrs a night, I religiously pinned the same time every day, I had 4 meals prepped a day at weeks start. And I blew up. At least by my definitions, and the definitions of every person I encountered. To some of the bigger guys here, I’d still be a twig at 6’5 220lbs. I didn’t realize just how much you could add with steroids when you had accurately dosed, legit steroids, and do everything PERFECTLY. And outside of smoking weed all the time, I was doing it perfectly. My mom let me stay for free while I was helping her get the house ready to sell. With my GI Bill, all I did was go to school, lift, sleep eat(for my goals, and goals only) and smoke. I drank once or twice a month and only a couple beers at a time.
On that cycle I had one goal, strength. I had a 365 bench(I never benched during the cycle, just trained chest, I finally decided to just go for it one day for shits and gigs). Where I was shining was deadlift, I fell in love with deadlifts finally and worked up to a 430lb deadlift in no time flat. I worked that lift like 3x a week. Some days I wasn’t feeling it, but it didn’t stop me from doing it. Squat was always shit, still couldn’t get form right to do them. No matter how many people have tried to help me. Not even burly’s tips helped lol. I was finally doing things how they were supposed to be done in all facets of my life.
Then tragedy struck..
I was on such a good path and doing so well. I drank once or twice a month, I lived a clean life style, I was saving money, I was working towards a productive future.
(The only issue I had was using cialis too much, because I was compensating. Before I left for Baltimore in December. This one gorgeous, and I mean drop dead, 19yr old legit model, from class I was friends with who’d always had a boyfriend, but had an unhealthy friendship with me because of how much we flirted. She Finally broke it off with him, and right before I left we started hooking up. And my dick went limp in the morning one time, and then that got in my head badly. It was just anxiety because of how nervous I was to put on a good effort and wow her.)
.. but, all that hard work came crashing down in a 2 week span in April.
My sex drive has seldom ever been what it was on that cycle. I realized just how far off kilter they put you when you use them and aren’t doing what you’re supposed to. For years when I was running them, especially when I was brewing, id be on like 400mg a week, just for shits and gigs. I’d be angry as shit, short fused, bloat up and bloat down, sex drive up and down, dick issues. Pair this with my psycho relationship and my mental health really deteriorated over the years.
But I digress.
There was this Mom I was banging, she was a big girl, at 6’1, but I’m tall so I dig it. Total freak, and except for shit, piss and basically any other disgusting bodily fluid(A-okay with this limit lol), nothing was off limits. It was bomb.
I had a healthy mindset, I had a healthy body(I was getting regular bloods too), I had a healthy sex partner, I had healthy friends. Life was on track for me.
Then one time we were intimate, and I was on the carpet, she was on top working her beloved bouncy magic, and taking the beef bus to tuna town. Although I dont have a small dick, it doesn’t run toward infinity either lolz. She came up too far, and popped out, and then she came back down and her pelvis hit the tip of my bone hammer at just the right angle. Something had to give, I was on solid ground, so that wasn’t moving like a bed underneath me.. Something had to give, and the weakest link between our two bodies wasss you guessed it, the hammer. By virtue of being a 6’1 woman, she’s heavier than your average girl, and she was thicker than a snicker to boot.
So my dick bent. Didn’t think too much of it, we paused real quick, but everything was good, it was just a shocking moment and hen we carried on like nothing happened.
During this time period, I was using a bathmate just to squeeze any last bit I could out of my dick. But it was basically just being used because I had it. I bought it years prior when I was in a bad mental state and outlook towards my manhood because over the years I’ve had bad comments, but that have always come from some scorn woman.. and haven’t been true. But 24 year old me, was too naive to know this.
I was getting gains from the ‘Mate, but my dick was slightly sore in the middle. Then for about a week, it got progressively worse, and I wasn’t stopping the ‘Mate during this period. I eventually figured it was an chlamydia(nbd), and went to see a doctor. Gave me a test after about 10 days time.. but upon inspection when I looked down, while he was getting a good glimpse for discharge, and realized it was curved to the right BIG TIME. I said soemthing to him, he told said he thought it was chlamydia, have me some meds, gave me a urethra drug that helps with pain, and turns my piss the color of Red Bull and orange juice lol.
At about the 14 day mark.. my erection quality had sank markedly, I was beginning to use large eyeball doses of cialis, and continuing to have sex. The curvature was really starting to bug me. I had like the most picturesque rooster you’ve ever seen. Straight as an arrow, prettier than the Mona Lisa. I’ve even had girls say, this is like the straightest or prettiest unicorn horn Theyve ever seen. Then one day, a month later, it just stopped working. Completely.
I’d get an erection, it would get to 70% .. on the left side
.. the ride side was a solid 20%.. it curved like it was divorcing the left and running the opposite direction, while the left side tried to chase it around and bring them back together.
For months I couldn’t get an erection.. even a small scoop of cialis lost it’s effect on me, and at best before that point I got an 80% erection. I fell into a steep depression, diet went to shit, training halted, weed smoking increased to where I was never not stoned out of my mind. I stopped going to school and laid in bed all the time.
My ex and I started talking again, right when curvature started, and we entered an open relationship around May.. is sleep with someone, we’d exchange videos as was the deal(which I realize was just a way to keep tabs on each other), she’s get angry and jealous, and I wouldn’t nearly as much when she’d do the same.. then when it finally stopped working, I got into some stupid cuck fetish watching her getting down with other dudes, and she had no problems being able to have sex while I couldn’t.. but would get mad at me and jealous when I was.. I can’t believe I didn’t see all these signs.. I was just lonely, and when the dickmobile finally blew a seal, and shit the bed, I got really lonely.
In May I realized it was peyronnies disease.. but was a self inflicted one. I’d bent it from sex, and made it worse with the bathmate.
This story is getting all over the place I know, but I’m sort of remembering it as I go, because I haven’t thought about it in a bit, and actually have put it behind me.
June 1st, I Decided to move back to Portland to be with her, immediately started doing blow again sometimes, thinking I had control this time and had learned my lesson..
.. moving was a rash decision to stave off my loneliness.
Dick was working, ever so slightly, I had started to get 40-50% erections.. and I threw that wet noodle at her pink sink every chance I got. We had an opening relationship still, but it was mostly her doing things, and making sure any chance I got to do anything(I wouldn’t let it lead to sex for me, for obvious reasons), she would dominate the encounter and try her best to hog any interaction to make sure it was all about her. But the erection strength stayed stagnant at that 40-50% for a month.
I went to a doctor knowing what it was, and asked what we could do.. he told me nothing, for at least 6 months because it’s healing and they couldn’t do anything till the body was done running It’s course, or they might make it worse.. I was devastated, 6 more months of this crap.
In August I’d finally had enough of my exes shit and I kicked her out of the house.
The coke use increased.
Scabs started again after just a few months, which took a year and some change to start, before.. and I quit in October. Been clean ever since, but the scabs have only just healed in the past month and I’m starting to be able to breathe again.
In February I got in a fight with my best friend, and after he assisted me twice, and then I beat his ass laughably. I still almost got an assault charge over it, if it hadn’t of been for the cops wording everything because he told me he believed my story, and didn’t believe Andrews for a second.. I’d have probably gotten the charge, because the report reflected a story that very much supported me.
This all involved alcohol, though I was essentially sober and he was shitfaced. I thought nothing of this, but the same story he told the cops, he told all our mutual friends, of which there are many.. and just like with the law, since he called the cops, it puts me on the defensive. He went and did all the same to our friends.. and they put me on the defensive as well. I lost many of the friends I have out here.
So I decided to swear everything off. I’ve never had issues with alcohol, and seldom cause any trouble when I drink.. but it ALWAYS seems to find a way to cause trouble for me. So I swore it off. And weed too.
In March, needing a change of pace, and some positivity. I booked a trip to Europe for my birthday. A solo trip as a present to myself.
It was the best 2 weeks of my life, bar none.
While I was there, I made the exception to drink, and the only time I will drink is when traveling. Helps mingle and meet people better. Trouble seems to find its way to me in then US no matter what. But the culture is so much different over there.
While I was there, I met a BEAUTIFUL, but regretfully short, 24 yr old Finnish woman, I’m 27. I told her everything you’ve heard and more, and although she is very innocent, and done none of the shit I have.. and frankly is much too high caliber for me in all aspects lmfao.. for some reason, she never batted an eye at it. “I don’t care who you were, I care about the man who’s standing in front of me now. You make me laugh like no one in my life ever has.”
We proceeded to spend every minute of the day just the two of use, traveling around Europe. In June I’m moving back out there to go travel the world with her.. and she doesn’t know it yet, but she’s gonna be the one I marry lol.
In my 27 years on this earth, I have never met a woman like her. No one even comes close to her caliber. From the moment I met her, it was a wake up call that I needed to be better, because she deserved better. I’ve found drive, and direction again, and have been realizing my goals in the short time frame. It’s weird what a good woman will do to you. I never bought I’d want to get married, and never once wanted to in my relationship, or seldom even wanted a relationship.. but within days, knew if we can make this distance work, I’d marry this woman. She just doesn’t know it yet.
This was mostly to catch my life up with any of the old heads that cared.
Now my question.
I’m done with steroids, drugs, and most everything except an occasional drink while traveling.
But I’m back in the gym 3x a week just for wellness, and eating pretty well to be honest with myself.
But I want to optimize my hormones. Wht natty supplements can I take to do that. I’d like to elevate test, and mitigate estrogen within my bodies own endogenous ability. I was thinking something like sustain alpha, and androsterone. But it has been YEARS, since I studied anything about natty hormones. So any help I appreciate. Thanks guys.
It feels good to be sane, and on the right track for the first time in my life.
