Well saw the endo today. She practically pushed me out of the office. almost before I was sitting down she said, "The only concern here is the fasting BG." I asked about the hormones and the gyno, and she said, "Well you're in range and we don't treat normal levels. gynecomastia is treated by surgery." I started to ask about SERMs, and I said, "SERM, an estrogen receptor modulator" (because I wasn't sure if pronouncing SERM as a word like I did would make sense to her) and she said, "I know what a SERM is. they have terrible side effects."
SHe ordered a re-test in 3 months. I pointed to 4 separate blood draws I had, 1 which was under the range, 1 which was exactly on the cutoff, and 2 which were very marginally "in range", and she just said we'd retest in 3 months. oh and she made it a standing order, as if that will fucking help anything.

as I left the office I was vacillating anger and sadness and blinking back tears. the whole thing took under 5 minutes but was a total and complete waste. i remember there was a bottle of topical estrogen on her desk. i wonder how many countless women she has put on estrogens with not the blink of an eye. enough that she needs a demo bottle on her desk. how many young girls put on synthetic progestins, with very real side effects and dangers? just so they can have unprotected sex with risk of STI transmission. yet to treat me is outside of medical necessity. what a fucking joke


rest of the day I had an appt at a top athletic and performance centre at a university for a program i would have killed to get into 6 months ago, and now they have 3 spots open. was meeting with the director and she even had the associate dean come in and my fucking brain was not there, i babbled and asked stupid questions. saw the gym, it was fucking amazing, then the track outside and the field and everything was great. the canadian women;s rugby team was training. i remembered when i was at that same very campus and was working out in the little hole in the wall shit gym they have for students not in the program and i knew i wanted to come to the athletic centre one day. back then my gym days were full of hope and promise of things to come. but today as i walked out i felt no connection to that gym, old or new. if you would have offered me a full scholarship to that program today i would have declined.

i feel like shit right now and just wanted to vent. thanks for listening