Had a great meeting with a physical therapist. As I suspected, my pelvic muscles were totally fucked but the good news is that's very fixable.

Turns out I've been breathing wrong for a long time (ie, not into my stomach) and I've been clenching a lot when I was stressed, which caused my muscles to become inflamed and basically squeeze the shit out of everything downstairs, including nerves, glands, and organs. It makes perfect sense, as the feeling always came up when I crashed or when things got really stressful.

I've been working on holding myself differently and breathing properly, and I'm already feeling positive results. The pain is subsiding, my workouts are more productive, and my ED is (slowly) subsiding. It's going to take more work, but I'm glad after all this time I've figured out what to do.

So, yeah. A word to everyone - when you crash or get stressed it's important to keep it together and develop positive coping mechanisms. You never know how your muscles will internalize something.