My story and road to recovery - Mojo

[Cdsnuts]

Ordered some Blue Vervain. Very curious about this one.
Also bought some avena sativa and some grapefruit seed extract. Its starting to really dawn on me just how many supplements I have in my kitchen. I stopped caring at some point and just felt like trying out everything.
I’m basically being paid to sit at home right now and do whatever, plus I’m making a fair bit day trading on the side, so money is not a real issue atm.

I’ve got a new girlfriend and had sex again for the first time since I crashed over a year ago. That was definitely a hurdle but I’m happy to report everything is still functioning! I was terrified of the thought of having someone next to me while I’m tossing and turning through insomnia and then getting up in the middle of the night to rigorously mix up some albizia in the kitchen. Luckily she was understanding :-)

My anxiety downswing is unfortunately still active. It’s just always present in the background, causing worry and uneasiness.
I can manage it during the day. But I can’t fight it when I’m asleep. Tend to wake up often to terrors that just ruin my day. Cold showers and breath work at night help to get back to sleep at some point but I’m just so damn tired of waking up and I really really just want to get done with this.

Good news is it seems that brain pressure / fog is now a thing of the past, even during this downswing and lack of sleep. Overall, even though I still don’t sleep enough, it feels like any sleep I get is quality sleep. I pretty much always feel rested to some degree. Happy about this one as previously it often felt like my brain didn’t know how to sleep anymore. As if my entire night was unfulfilling stage 2 zombie sleep.

Going to start my first UH cycle soon. Posted a new thread to log it with some questions beforehand: Question before I start my first UH cycle

I'm curious to know whether you like the blue vervain. It's still one of my favorites that I take at night when I sit and am done with the day.

[Mojo]

Last update for a while.

I’ve been feeling better recently. Probably attributed to a number of things.

I’m nearing the end of my UH cycle. Although throughout the entire thing I have not noticed any immediately obvious results my overal stress levels have gone down slowly. I tend to not have as many nightmares or night time awakenings due to heart palpitations.

I went to see an endocrinologist that tested my neurotransmitter metabolites in night time urine. My dopamine was slightly high, neroephinephrine too high and serotonin to low. He told me to take Saffron supplementation to raise serotonin. I started to combo this with 5htp at night. During the day I also tried supplementing with xiao yao san, a chinese herb that boosts allopregnanolone biosynthesis according to some sparse research.

On top of this I have doubled down on working on my mental health. I got out of the PFS mindset as much as I could and started treating my remaining symptoms as PTSD.

Meditation wise I have discovered a method that works really well for me personally to release bodily tension. When I close my eyes during breathing exercises I imagine my body to weigh a ton and I try to mentally press myself down into the couch. If I then target that feeling towards my heart more often than not I can feel the tension release and it feels as if a weight has been lifted of my chest. I know this is a vague explanation but it works for me.

Overal I’m doing ok. Not there yet but getting close. I’m going to take a leave from posting for a bit to hopefully fully escape this nightmare feeling that has been following me around for over a year now. There are times I feel like I’m really close to make a sort of recovery post. But my sleep is still too inconsistent and anxiety sometimes gets the best of me.

I’ll be back in the future, hopefully with good news. Take care and continue fighting!

[Cdsnuts]

Last update for a while.

I’ve been feeling better recently. Probably attributed to a number of things.

I’m nearing the end of my UH cycle. Although throughout the entire thing I have not noticed any immediately obvious results my overal stress levels have gone down slowly. I tend to not have as many nightmares or night time awakenings due to heart palpitations.

I went to see an endocrinologist that tested my neurotransmitter metabolites in night time urine. My dopamine was slightly high, neroephinephrine too high and serotonin to low. He told me to take Saffron supplementation to raise serotonin. I started to combo this with 5htp at night. During the day I also tried supplementing with xiao yao san, a chinese herb that boosts allopregnanolone biosynthesis according to some sparse research.

On top of this I have doubled down on working on my mental health. I got out of the PFS mindset as much as I could and started treating my remaining symptoms as PTSD.

Meditation wise I have discovered a method that works really well for me personally to release bodily tension. When I close my eyes during breathing exercises I imagine my body to weigh a ton and I try to mentally press myself down into the couch. If I then target that feeling towards my heart more often than not I can feel the tension release and it feels as if a weight has been lifted of my chest. I know this is a vague explanation but it works for me.

Overal I’m doing ok. Not there yet but getting close. I’m going to take a leave from posting for a bit to hopefully fully escape this nightmare feeling that has been following me around for over a year now. There are times I feel like I’m really close to make a sort of recovery post. But my sleep is still too inconsistent and anxiety sometimes gets the best of me.

I’ll be back in the future, hopefully with good news. Take care and continue fighting!

The recovery will comes when it comes. And when it does, please come back and make your recovery known to the world. Until then, enjoy your spring time my man.

[Mojo]

Hi all, long time no see, lots of new faces which is sad but also positive in a way since more people can find some hope.

I was doing a lot better for a long time but working lots of early hours this last few months messed up my sleep so much that I’m crashing again on the mental front. Luckily work is dying down again so I’ll have lots of time this fall to get back on protocol 100%. Also requested a part time for next year to give myself some leeway.

It’s frustrating since most people report mental sides to go away before sexual ones. For me it has been the other way around. Sexually I’m feeling as frisky as I was before fin but I still have some serious mental problems that drag on. Short episodes of fairly strong depression followed by a strange form of anxiety.

I no longer experience panic attacks like I did in the beginning and my agoraphobia has dissapeared. But I’m stuck with this resurfaced feeling of dread and persistent agonizing sense of being stuck in a nightmare. I don’t know if it is coincidence but this always coincides with very dry eyes and some agitation near my prefrontal cortex.

When I’m unlucky these episodes come about near night time and sleep becomes a nightmare filled chore of waking up every few hours and having to calm down.

I’m guessing my GABA pathways are still fucked and recovering those are my absolute priority.

[Cdsnuts]

Hi all, long time no see, lots of new faces which is sad but also positive in a way since more people can find some hope.

I was doing a lot better for a long time but working lots of early hours this last few months messed up my sleep so much that I’m crashing again on the mental front. Luckily work is dying down again so I’ll have lots of time this fall to get back on protocol 100%. Also requested a part time for next year to give myself some leeway.

It’s frustrating since most people report mental sides to go away before sexual ones. For me it has been the other way around. Sexually I’m feeling as frisky as I was before fin but I still have some serious mental problems that drag on. Short episodes of fairly strong depression followed by a strange form of anxiety.

I no longer experience panic attacks like I did in the beginning and my agoraphobia has dissapeared. But I’m stuck with this resurfaced feeling of dread and persistent agonizing sense of being stuck in a nightmare. I don’t know if it is coincidence but this always coincides with very dry eyes and some agitation near my prefrontal cortex.

When I’m unlucky these episodes come about near night time and sleep becomes a nightmare filled chore of waking up every few hours and having to calm down.

I’m guessing my GABA pathways are still fucked and recovering those are my absolute priority.

Sorry to hear it. Simply stay the course. And yes, this is why it's so important once you "get the ball rolling" with the protocol to keep it that way. You'll get it again, and hopefully keep it this next 100% run.

[Mojo]

Hey CD, sorry to bother but I sent you a DM I’m not sure you picked up on