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  1. #1
    Established Member Feedback Score 0 BoneDaddy's Avatar
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    I'm A Fraud.....

    It's true.....such a fraud in my own eyes. See the avi over here of me? Yeah....that's not me. Not anymore, at least. You see, I've struggled with a lot over the past 24 months or so.....and I've done a very piss poor job of dealing with it. Some of you know what I'm talking about as I've talked at length with a few of you about it. Losing my best friend and teammate of many years to a stupid, stupid incident, and dealing with depression, guilt, to blah blah blah......through most of it alcohol has been my best friend. There's little doubt in my mind that if I'm not already, I am precariously close to being an alcoholic. I bet there hasn't been a week that's gone by that I have went 2 days in a row without having 4 or 5 beers, and that's on average. I fucking hate myself and what I've become.

    I come here a lot because of a few reasons......I love the community and what it stands for. I come because I hope something, someday will just light something under my ass and get back what/who I used to be before the bullshit of life took over. I come to see the avi I leave up in hopes of something going off in my head. It's funny, I can sit here and list all of this shit like I'm doing and know that it's all true, and what I need to do.....to just fucking DO it......but I seem stuck. The apparent apathy seems to best the reason and, for lack of a better word, sanity that is speaking right now. I probably sound drunk now, but I'm not. Haven't drank today. And won't god damnit. Typing everything out is becoming cathartic. I have hopes that by posting this for everyone in the world to see that am OBLIGATED to get my ass off the couch, out of the bottle, and back in the gym. Through the haze I can't remember the last time I had a solid workout. I KNOW from prior experience that the gym is and has always been the ultimate form of therapy. So why can't I move? *shrugs* I type it, yet I feel like the lowest idiot when I read it. Everytime I put on clothes or see myself naked, I feel that twinge man....and it sucks so bad. I love titties, but they're no fun on me..... So I have 4 or 5 beers to make myself feel better even though that's the EXACT fucking behavior that's gotten me into this mess and keeps me here. Sigh.....brilliant, yeah? lol

    So the Swole Source Contest seems to be a neat little kick starter. Why not? Just do it! Move more, eat less....quit drinking you fucking idiot! I dropped almost 40lbs for my wedding last year yet I sit here and whine and moan.....uugghh.......now I want a beer. lol BUT....I'm not going to do it. I am, however, going to get a nutrition plan thrown together somehow, go cook my food for tomorrow, and come home and have my wife take pics of my fat ass. Fat, pasty, and probably hairy at the moment. I went from that avi over there at a solid 220, to a fat, bloated, sorry ass 255. I can only imagine how much catabolism I've spurned.....how much aromatase this gut is producing.....how sad my liver is....I should probably schedule a physical tomorrow. No, I WILL schedule a physical tomorrow. Probably do me some good to have my ass reamed out by my Dr. after he sees what I've turned into. lol I need that 'tough love'.....I totally expect you fuckers to give it to me, too.

    I'm going to stop here....for now. Thanks for reading/listening if you made it this far. I needed to do this, regardless of how weird/unstable/fucked up it seems. Feel free to add anything to this thread you want. Advice, encouragement, shame, disgust, sadness,....what ever. I can take it, and I need it.

    \ramble

  2. #2
    Established Member Feedback Score 0
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    fraud is a little harsh bro, we all have ups and downs. That's just life and sometimes things get away from you but you can allways take control back.

    You need support, you have it here, you got a crew.... it may be an online one but that's all I got and I'm doing ok. I havn't had a drink in 14 months, you wanna talk about it I got the unlimited plan on my cell I'll pm you my number, we could talk for hours.

    You can self destruct or live life like it's ment to be lived. Self destructing does feel good at times but living life lasts a whole lot longer. I highly reccomend living.
    The spirit that I have seen may be the devil: and the devil hath power to assume a pleasing shape; yea, and perhaps out of my weakness and my melancholy, as he is very potent with such spirits, abuses me to damn me.

  3. #3
    A 1k Club Member Feedback Score 1 (100%) weekend's Avatar
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    Bro, stop drinking now. You don't need alcohol, all it will do is make everything worse.

    Maybe try some psychedelics if you really want to open up the hidden portions of what's ailing you.


    But you can't just sit around drinking or all you will do is literally destroy your life. So forget it. Sorry about your friend, but think about how much he might look down on what you've become.

    Good luck buddy

  4. #4
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    XXIV said it pretty well in my book...... Sorry to hear that your going through some shit but I bet we all have, different areas but we have all been through hell one way or another.
    Ive gone down the road your going down. It wasnt until a friend called me a puss for not facing life that I decided to do just that and face it. Its harder than drinking it away but man is it 10000x more rewarding.
    Keep your head up, look for those small positives that happen everyday.

  5. #5
    Super Moderator Feedback Score 0 burlyman30's Avatar
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    Re: I'm A Fraud.....

    Much respect for sharing the stuff that is easier not to.

    One thing you said resonated with me... the gym being the best therapy around. I understand this quite well. In fact, I had been away from the gym for 10 years while I was concentrating on business ventures.

    When the economy and financing industry crashed, I lost close to a million bucks and was in a monthly financial bleed, owing thousands more than I was bringing in each month. I was stressed and depressed and just wanted to run away, because facing the reality of it was horrible.

    And I finally went back to the gym about 4 years ago. Did it solve all my problems? No. Did I feel a little better with each workout? Absolutely. The endorphins I got at the gym helped the stress and depression. And it gave me something to ground me, stabilize me, for the first time in ages.

    I share all this to say "you're not alone". Lots of us have had some pretty crappy things happen in life. I don't say that to take anything away from your situation, because it's serious. But it's not a life sentence. And you can work through this.
    All advice given is for entertainment value only. And it's free. Take it for what it's worth.

  6. #6
    Established Member Feedback Score 0 vince's Avatar
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    I'm A Fraud.....

    Props on opening up man, you know were all here for you.
    Your using alcohol to support you and make u feel better. You needa put your focus into something that will actually make u feel better and not just cover up the things your going though.
    I know it's hard but it's just a mental barrier you needa break.
    If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to hit me up.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free

  7. #7
    A 1k Club Member Feedback Score 3 (100%) Scope75's Avatar
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    Hey man if you need anyone to talk to PM me and I'll send you my number.

    I know what your going threw because I've gone threw a bunch this year too.

  8. #8
    A 1k Club Member Feedback Score 0 Cobalt's Avatar
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    Depression and self loathing is horrible, I deal with it a lot. Alcohol has been an escape before, but luckily I've been able to deal with it before it got out of hand.

    That being said, its time to move on. Shit happens, but you can't let everything hold you down. Busting your ass in the gym will be a huge help.

    Alcohol + no gym = bad
    No alcohol + gym = amazing
    If you can bench more than you can squat, you're doing it wrong!

  9. #9
    Established Member Feedback Score 2 (100%) milehighguy's Avatar
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    BoneD

    ¿Qué pasa hombre?

    I agree with a lot of what Burly said but to be honest with you the gym keeps me super sane. Nothing else compares. So no it doesn't solve all your problems but helps to clear the mind. So get your 255 lb beer drinking ass back into the gym ASAP. And take this one step at a time brother. Don't get all crazy and try to start cooking meals and eating perfect. Just cut out the beer/booze, try to clean up the diet a bit, and hit the gym super hard. Once you find your groove you can start to nail down the diet. No excuses now man! You laid it all on the table so make it happen.

  10. #10
    A 1k Club Member Feedback Score 0
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    True man to open up and seek betterment instead of victimizing one-self, brother. you're no fraud. Rough patch, is all.

    Do get away from alcohol though, seems to be unhealthy. And to disagree with weekend, don't substitute it with other substances. Stay healthy, clear and sound of mind so that you get a full picture of specific situation.

    On more practical terms: Find a competition coach and do a NPC show. It's amazing what a goal in your sights can do to help you control things around you.
    https://www.facebook.com/pklima.fitness

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