It's true.....such a fraud in my own eyes. See the avi over here of me? Yeah....that's not me. Not anymore, at least. You see, I've struggled with a lot over the past 24 months or so.....and I've done a very piss poor job of dealing with it. Some of you know what I'm talking about as I've talked at length with a few of you about it. Losing my best friend and teammate of many years to a stupid, stupid incident, and dealing with depression, guilt, to blah blah blah......through most of it alcohol has been my best friend. There's little doubt in my mind that if I'm not already, I am precariously close to being an alcoholic. I bet there hasn't been a week that's gone by that I have went 2 days in a row without having 4 or 5 beers, and that's on average. I fucking hate myself and what I've become.

I come here a lot because of a few reasons......I love the community and what it stands for. I come because I hope something, someday will just light something under my ass and get back what/who I used to be before the bullshit of life took over. I come to see the avi I leave up in hopes of something going off in my head. It's funny, I can sit here and list all of this shit like I'm doing and know that it's all true, and what I need to do.....to just fucking DO it......but I seem stuck. The apparent apathy seems to best the reason and, for lack of a better word, sanity that is speaking right now. I probably sound drunk now, but I'm not. Haven't drank today. And won't god damnit. Typing everything out is becoming cathartic. I have hopes that by posting this for everyone in the world to see that am OBLIGATED to get my ass off the couch, out of the bottle, and back in the gym. Through the haze I can't remember the last time I had a solid workout. I KNOW from prior experience that the gym is and has always been the ultimate form of therapy. So why can't I move? *shrugs* I type it, yet I feel like the lowest idiot when I read it. Everytime I put on clothes or see myself naked, I feel that twinge man....and it sucks so bad. I love titties, but they're no fun on me..... So I have 4 or 5 beers to make myself feel better even though that's the EXACT fucking behavior that's gotten me into this mess and keeps me here. Sigh.....brilliant, yeah? lol

So the Swole Source Contest seems to be a neat little kick starter. Why not? Just do it! Move more, eat less....quit drinking you fucking idiot! I dropped almost 40lbs for my wedding last year yet I sit here and whine and moan.....uugghh.......now I want a beer. lol BUT....I'm not going to do it. I am, however, going to get a nutrition plan thrown together somehow, go cook my food for tomorrow, and come home and have my wife take pics of my fat ass. Fat, pasty, and probably hairy at the moment. I went from that avi over there at a solid 220, to a fat, bloated, sorry ass 255. I can only imagine how much catabolism I've spurned.....how much aromatase this gut is producing.....how sad my liver is....I should probably schedule a physical tomorrow. No, I WILL schedule a physical tomorrow. Probably do me some good to have my ass reamed out by my Dr. after he sees what I've turned into. lol I need that 'tough love'.....I totally expect you fuckers to give it to me, too.

I'm going to stop here....for now. Thanks for reading/listening if you made it this far. I needed to do this, regardless of how weird/unstable/fucked up it seems. Feel free to add anything to this thread you want. Advice, encouragement, shame, disgust, sadness,....what ever. I can take it, and I need it.

\ramble