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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cdsnuts View Post
    Always darkest before the dawn. You may be mustering up for a nice upswing. This is typically the pattern I've noticed. Some downswings are so bad and they bring you to the brink.....this is where alot of guys get nervous and sabotage themselves where if they would have just held on a bit longer, they would have been rewarded with a shiny new level of being.

    Keep at it.
    Thanks! I will definitely keep going with everything. I have to muscle through it and things should get better over time.

    The downswings can be awful and make you question everything. Fortunately I have my routine, so I can just keep doing what I need to do very easily.

  2. #12
    Moderator Feedback Score 0 Cdsnuts's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LetsGo View Post
    Thanks! I will definitely keep going with everything. I have to muscle through it and things should get better over time.

    The downswings can be awful and make you question everything. Fortunately I have my routine, so I can just keep doing what I need to do very easily.
    That's it.

    The simple, most difficult thing you'll ever do.

    Well worth the effort.

    And yes, they do make you question EVERYTHING. This is where most guys get into trouble. Stay the course and you'll be fine.
    Last edited by Cdsnuts; 06-28-2019 at 11:40 AM.
    Total Male Optimization "People who say it can't be done shouldn't interrupt those that are doing it"

  3. #13
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    Time for the next update…

    My arms are close to 14” now, up from 12” when I started. With a pump they’re 14”, but right now it’s about 13.75”. My gym is closing at the end of August so I’m thinking of just cancelling this weekend and joining another gym that is cheaper, also not crowded, nicer, and a 5 minute walk from where I live. But I also feel like that would be “admitting defeat” in terms of my job search. I don’t want to be doubling down on my commitments to living in this place - but that’s not really rational. I should probably join this other gym. Also, I need to do more in terms of training legs. I don’t ever want big big legs, and I fear lower back injuries, which ruined my dad’s quality of life. So I may go higher rep, lower weights in that area, and I think I’ll still gain some leg mass but only a small amount, which suits me fine. I have naturally big legs, and I don’t see the point of trying to have huge legs. I just want to avoid the “muscular upper body, completely untrained lower body” phenomenon, which looks bad. It will be a lot more convenient to train when it’s only 5 minutes away.

    Around 2 weeks ago, I did have a nice upswing. I then had a bit of a downswing again - I’ve just been in very bad moods lately because of non-PFS things. I’m stuck living in a small city that I don’t like, working a crappy job way below my skill and education level, while sending out applications. Although it’s been over a week since I sent any. I had a promising phone interview in the city I’m looking to move back to, and it would be double my current salary. But I found out they have a hiring freeze, and even if I make it to and pass the next 2 rounds of interviews, it would take me “a few months” (like 3 - 5) to get hired. I’m so sick of waiting though. I’m obviously going to keep applying elsewhere.

    He Sho Wu seems to be, at least for me, a stimulant that can destroy my sleep if taken too late. I’m insanely sensitive to stimulants, to the point where a cup of coffee at 9 AM = I can’t get to sleep until 2 AM. The He Sho Wu, when I take the second dose in the early evening, keeps me up until literally 4 - 5 AM. This happened a few times in a row, so it’s basically confirmed - looking at my sleep log, I would always get awful sleep when that herb comes up in the rotation. So I'll have to make sure I only ever take it in the morning. Maybe just take the full amount at once, in the morning, instead of two separate doses, and see if it still keeps me up. I can’t ruin my sleep every ~2 weeks.

    I had several days of horrible sleep in the last few days, and my mood was in the absolute gutter, to the point where my family was/is extremely worried about me. I can only really bounce back from one sub-3 hours of sleep night. If it happens multiple times in a short period, things become horrible and my whole personality is completely different. I could never have been a Navy SEAL (not that I’d want to) - all the sleep deprivation stuff that they do sounds awful. (I’m sure there are other reasons why I wouldn’t make it as a SEAL; my unwillingness to join the Navy would have been a sticking point.)

    But anyway, on these downswings, things are still better than they were before I started everything.

    I’m going to take some new photos for my dating site stuff this weekend. I have an extremely high-end lens for portraits, and I know how to use it, so there’s that. I hate being almost 36 and single. I want to have a family someday so I feel like I’m under the gun - obviously I’ll be dating women who are younger than me and thankfully it seems like women 25 - 29 are still into me. I don’t get why anyone would want to be with someone significantly older than them. When I was 25, I could date 22 - 28, now I feel like I have a smaller dating pool because I’m not going to date someone around my age. If I’m with someone for a few years and it doesn’t work out, I don’t have as many years left to play with - if you’re 25 you can do a few 2 - 3 year relationships and you have more chances to hit on the right one. I’m just very anxious about that, and I’ll be crushed if all my mistakes lead to me never getting to have a family. On the other hand, I also don’t want to wind up in a bad relationship + having kids with someone who isn’t good for me. These things keep me up at night.

    My major focus now is in finding a job in the city where I want to live, and also continuing to work on my business projects. I want to move YESTERDAY, so it’s unbearable staying here, not knowing how long it will take to get something new. I hope it only takes a couple of months and that it doesn’t drag into 2020... And it's incredibly hard when I feel exhausted and miserable, but hopefully I will feel a lot better when I get more sleep. It’s torture for me to live in this small city where I’m very unhappy. Gotta focus on the positive, I suppose. And I should put more effort into dating where I live now, knowing that it will be short-term.

  4. #14
    Moderator Feedback Score 0 Cdsnuts's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LetsGo View Post
    Time for the next update…

    My arms are close to 14” now, up from 12” when I started. With a pump they’re 14”, but right now it’s about 13.75”. My gym is closing at the end of August so I’m thinking of just cancelling this weekend and joining another gym that is cheaper, also not crowded, nicer, and a 5 minute walk from where I live. But I also feel like that would be “admitting defeat” in terms of my job search. I don’t want to be doubling down on my commitments to living in this place - but that’s not really rational. I should probably join this other gym. Also, I need to do more in terms of training legs. I don’t ever want big big legs, and I fear lower back injuries, which ruined my dad’s quality of life. So I may go higher rep, lower weights in that area, and I think I’ll still gain some leg mass but only a small amount, which suits me fine. I have naturally big legs, and I don’t see the point of trying to have huge legs. I just want to avoid the “muscular upper body, completely untrained lower body” phenomenon, which looks bad. It will be a lot more convenient to train when it’s only 5 minutes away.

    Around 2 weeks ago, I did have a nice upswing. I then had a bit of a downswing again - I’ve just been in very bad moods lately because of non-PFS things. I’m stuck living in a small city that I don’t like, working a crappy job way below my skill and education level, while sending out applications. Although it’s been over a week since I sent any. I had a promising phone interview in the city I’m looking to move back to, and it would be double my current salary. But I found out they have a hiring freeze, and even if I make it to and pass the next 2 rounds of interviews, it would take me “a few months” (like 3 - 5) to get hired. I’m so sick of waiting though. I’m obviously going to keep applying elsewhere.

    He Sho Wu seems to be, at least for me, a stimulant that can destroy my sleep if taken too late. I’m insanely sensitive to stimulants, to the point where a cup of coffee at 9 AM = I can’t get to sleep until 2 AM. The He Sho Wu, when I take the second dose in the early evening, keeps me up until literally 4 - 5 AM. This happened a few times in a row, so it’s basically confirmed - looking at my sleep log, I would always get awful sleep when that herb comes up in the rotation. So I'll have to make sure I only ever take it in the morning. Maybe just take the full amount at once, in the morning, instead of two separate doses, and see if it still keeps me up. I can’t ruin my sleep every ~2 weeks.

    I had several days of horrible sleep in the last few days, and my mood was in the absolute gutter, to the point where my family was/is extremely worried about me. I can only really bounce back from one sub-3 hours of sleep night. If it happens multiple times in a short period, things become horrible and my whole personality is completely different. I could never have been a Navy SEAL (not that I’d want to) - all the sleep deprivation stuff that they do sounds awful. (I’m sure there are other reasons why I wouldn’t make it as a SEAL; my unwillingness to join the Navy would have been a sticking point.)

    But anyway, on these downswings, things are still better than they were before I started everything.

    I’m going to take some new photos for my dating site stuff this weekend. I have an extremely high-end lens for portraits, and I know how to use it, so there’s that. I hate being almost 36 and single. I want to have a family someday so I feel like I’m under the gun - obviously I’ll be dating women who are younger than me and thankfully it seems like women 25 - 29 are still into me. I don’t get why anyone would want to be with someone significantly older than them. When I was 25, I could date 22 - 28, now I feel like I have a smaller dating pool because I’m not going to date someone around my age. If I’m with someone for a few years and it doesn’t work out, I don’t have as many years left to play with - if you’re 25 you can do a few 2 - 3 year relationships and you have more chances to hit on the right one. I’m just very anxious about that, and I’ll be crushed if all my mistakes lead to me never getting to have a family. On the other hand, I also don’t want to wind up in a bad relationship + having kids with someone who isn’t good for me. These things keep me up at night.

    My major focus now is in finding a job in the city where I want to live, and also continuing to work on my business projects. I want to move YESTERDAY, so it’s unbearable staying here, not knowing how long it will take to get something new. I hope it only takes a couple of months and that it doesn’t drag into 2020... And it's incredibly hard when I feel exhausted and miserable, but hopefully I will feel a lot better when I get more sleep. It’s torture for me to live in this small city where I’m very unhappy. Gotta focus on the positive, I suppose. And I should put more effort into dating where I live now, knowing that it will be short-term.
    Don't focus on what you don't want....ironically, this ends up giving it energy. Focus on what you WANT only. Stay present at all times....try to anyway. Nothing good comes from getting stuck in your head and ignoring the now. The now is where EVERYTHING happens, so stay there, present, all the time. Things will start to change your way. Just get up and live everyday the best you can, and things will start to SLOWLY get better. You're in this for the long game, it's the only way.

    Stop thinking about the what ifs.....they don't exist now, only in your head. Focus on here and now. The good things you want will naturally make their way into your life should you stay present and focused.
    Last edited by Cdsnuts; 07-24-2019 at 03:53 AM.
    Total Male Optimization "People who say it can't be done shouldn't interrupt those that are doing it"

  5. #15
    Established Member Feedback Score 0 Bankai9000's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cdsnuts View Post
    Don't focus on what you don't want....ironically, this ends up giving it energy. Focus on what you WANT only. Stay present at all times....try to anyway. Nothing good comes from getting stuck in your head and ignoring the now. The now is where EVERYTHING happens, so stay there, present, all the time. Things will start to change your way. Just get up and live everyday the best you can, and things will start to SLOWLY get better. You're in this for the long game, it's the only way.

    Stop thinking about the what ifs.....they don't exist now, only in your head. Focus on here and now. The good things you want will naturally make their way into your life should you stay present and focused.
    Needed this CD, thanks man!

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cdsnuts View Post
    Don't focus on what you don't want....ironically, this ends up giving it energy. Focus on what you WANT only. Stay present at all times....try to anyway. Nothing good comes from getting stuck in your head and ignoring the now. The now is where EVERYTHING happens, so stay there, present, all the time. Things will start to change your way. Just get up and live everyday the best you can, and things will start to SLOWLY get better. You're in this for the long game, it's the only way.

    Stop thinking about the what ifs.....they don't exist now, only in your head. Focus on here and now. The good things you want will naturally make their way into your life should you stay present and focused.
    That's very good advice. I think I usually only think about the past and future, but obviously the only thing we can really control is what we do right now. Staying in the present is extremely important and that’s something I’ll need to work on.

    I wil have to hustle a lot outside of work, sending out lots of applications, and I’m hoping that I can find something new and better in NYC sometime this year. I guess all I can do is try very hard and hopefully it will work eventually.

    My sleep is pretty bad though, I need to work on that. Everything is so much more difficult when I’m exhausted.

  7. #17
    A 1k Club Member Feedback Score 0 jacknap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bankai9000 View Post
    Needed this CD, thanks man!
    one mentality I kept repeating even when I didn't have belief is that '6month - 2 years will come whether I like it or not so I gotta give the protocol a full shot' and you know what it worked

    saturate yourself with as much positivity as possible. one day the moments of struggle with strike you as most beautiful in a way
    From rock bottom to rockstar, baby.

  8. #18
    Moderator Feedback Score 0 Cdsnuts's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jacknap View Post
    one mentality I kept repeating even when I didn't have belief is that '6month - 2 years will come whether I like it or not so I gotta give the protocol a full shot' and you know what it worked

    saturate yourself with as much positivity as possible. one day the moments of struggle with strike you as most beautiful in a way
    Good way to put it Jacknap, and I completely agree. It just hits you one day that your struggle was WELL worth it. It can be a very emotional experience. When this happens, and it will for everyone who stays the course, it solidifies that fact that you will not only be recovered, but You'll be much better then simply recovered.
    Total Male Optimization "People who say it can't be done shouldn't interrupt those that are doing it"

  9. #19
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    So I’m a bit overdue for my update.

    Things have been up and down, although my sleep has been pretty bad. I need to improve that a lot, and I think it will help me in many different ways. My apartment is a mess with tons of boxes everywhere - I really need to throw away the empty boxes and organize my things. I turn 36 this weekend, ugh.

    I slept with a woman the other day, but I don’t think I want to see her again. She was fairly insistent on me not using a condom, but I was insistent that I did, so I did.

    Anyway, I wasn’t into her, and I felt very disconnected from it all. I had the same performance that I have traditionally had - lasting an insane 90+ minutes while not really feeling any pleasure, and her being amazed and thinking it’s the best thing ever. I know it was that long because we had started watching the movie Idiocracy and moved to the bdroom around the scene where the protagonist goes to the “doctor” who freaks out that he doesn’t have a bar code tattoo, and it lasted beyond the end of the movie, and through 2 episodes of Rick & Morty that autoplayed in the background. Maybe it was closer to 2 hours? But anyway, it wasn’t pleasurable for me, and she tried to persuade me to stay over which was definitely not happening. I knew I wasn’t really into her - wasn’t into her body type - also, she is separated (but lives alone), so I really shouldn’t have slept with her. She said she wasn’t looking for anything serious so I don’t think she’ll be too upset.

    There have been other times since starting this journey, where I was able to come in a normal amount of time, and one time actually, too quickly. The (almost pleasureless) premature ejaculation was around a few weeks or a month after I first started all this, during an upswing. There have been lots of times when I had full upswings, and I felt the full and normal amount of pleasure when I was by myself - this almost never happened until I started doing the program stuff (except for a few times on or right after vacations.) It was mind-blowing and made me see that eventually it will be like that all the time again.

    I have ups and downs - although, tbh, I had been fapping almost daily (probably 11 of 14 days) leading up to that date and it seems like after a certain number of days of that, it has a very large negative effect. I was in a depleted and less sensitive state from overstimulating myself, I guess. I think that that is having a big negative impact on my overall progress, so I still need to fix that in addition to everything else I’m juggling. The other huge thing is sleep - I feel foggy (as I did on the date) when I get less than 7 hours of sleep per night. Ideally I should be getting around 8 hours, and I think that would help me make progress faster.

    If I did everything great, 8 hours of sleep per night, not fapping, and if I started hitting the gym 6 days per week, I would probably heal in like 6 more months. I’m guessing it will take 2 or 3 times as long if I am less disciplined. Sometimes I feel like I’m not really making progress at all, but I know that I will get there eventually. It would also help a lot if I was with someone I cared about and was attracted to and into.

    My gym closed at the end of August, and it took me over a week to sign up for a new gym and start going there. This gym is half the price of my old gym, has more and newer equipment, and is a very short walk from my apartment, right by the office where I work. But there were still about 2 weeks where I didn’t go to the gym at all, and that’s not good. I didn’t lose any muscular size, but I shouldn’t slack off.

    I’ve been focusing a lot on trying to get a new job to move back to the city I want to live in, and my business stuff. I’m not going to view this recent encounter as a big setback, but it was disappointing.

    That’s the update for now; I will provide another update when I feel like it, maybe later this month or maybe next month.

  10. #20
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    I’ve been back in the gym, three times per week, and I’m getting that routine back. I may add a 4th workout this weekend. I have the time.

    Another big thing occurred to me - I’ve been taking Omega 3 capsules every day this whole time. I read that Omega 3 may reduce testosterone and somewhat block DHT! So I’m going to stop taking it until I’m fully healed (plus a bit longer.) I will keep taking my Vitamin D, though.

    Anyway, no major updates other than that. I’ve been getting better sleep the last few days, and I think that that’s crucial.

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