User Tag List

Page 5 of 11 FirstFirst ... 34567 ... LastLast
Results 41 to 50 of 110
  1. #41
    Established Member Feedback Score 0 Bankai9000's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    188
    Mentioned
    2 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Guys. I'm in a bit of a loss. And I've been thinking about doing this here, and I know I shouldn't. I really shouldnt.. but u guys have really helped me so much through this last month, and my head is exploding and I'm just so sad.
    My Mom passed away, very suddenly got ill within a week, we went from hospital to hospital in Poland and this whole healthcare system is a fucking joke. Hospitals are just fkin graveyards. I offered 20k to let her transport to Germany but they couldn't do it cuz the hospital didn't allow to pass information due to some fkd up guidelines. They just didn't do jackshit in Poland besides bloodtests till she passed away. There's so much anger, and regret. And I was so helpless the whole last week and in so much pain and struggle. Now all the hope just vanished. There is this huge hole. PFS makes my head feel like a filled bowling ball with all this stress. My Dad was so dependent on my Mother, spending every single day 24/7 together for the last 36 years. I'm not even sure if I'm more heartbroken due to the loss of my Mother or for the loss for my Dad. And here I am, a 29 year old single with fresh-PFS and a broken dick. Having pains down there even tho I'm half numb, and bending and fearing fucking calcification with rapid aging skin and these fucked up sleepissues. My gums hurt extreme all day as if someone is tearing them up combined with cancer sores and my stomach seems to be unable to digest shit.
    It's just all, so much.... and I rly don't know, how to cope ..
    I deleted this now 3 times.. I just don't know what to do. all this superficial shit, jobs, money, it's all so worthless
    Thought that after I get out of PFS I will be finally able to actually really appreciate life, and now there's just this .. huge nothingness and fear for my Dad who just won't be able to cope.. and forgive himself
    just fuck

  2. #42
    Moderator Feedback Score 0 Cdsnuts's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Posts
    5,405
    Mentioned
    85 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by Bankai9000 View Post
    Guys. I'm in a bit of a loss. And I've been thinking about doing this here, and I know I shouldn't. I really shouldnt.. but u guys have really helped me so much through this last month, and my head is exploding and I'm just so sad.
    My Mom passed away, very suddenly got ill within a week, we went from hospital to hospital in Poland and this whole healthcare system is a fucking joke. Hospitals are just fkin graveyards. I offered 20k to let her transport to Germany but they couldn't do it cuz the hospital didn't allow to pass information due to some fkd up guidelines. They just didn't do jackshit in Poland besides bloodtests till she passed away. There's so much anger, and regret. And I was so helpless the whole last week and in so much pain and struggle. Now all the hope just vanished. There is this huge hole. PFS makes my head feel like a filled bowling ball with all this stress. My Dad was so dependent on my Mother, spending every single day 24/7 together for the last 36 years. I'm not even sure if I'm more heartbroken due to the loss of my Mother or for the loss for my Dad. And here I am, a 29 year old single with fresh-PFS and a broken dick. Having pains down there even tho I'm half numb, and bending and fearing fucking calcification with rapid aging skin and these fucked up sleepissues. My gums hurt extreme all day as if someone is tearing them up combined with cancer sores and my stomach seems to be unable to digest shit.
    It's just all, so much.... and I rly don't know, how to cope ..
    I deleted this now 3 times.. I just don't know what to do. all this superficial shit, jobs, money, it's all so worthless
    Thought that after I get out of PFS I will be finally able to actually really appreciate life, and now there's just this .. huge nothingness and fear for my Dad who just won't be able to cope.. and forgive himself
    just fuck
    I'm sorry man.
    Total Male Optimization "People who say it can't be done shouldn't interrupt those that are doing it"

  3. #43
    Established Member Feedback Score 0
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    178
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by Bankai9000 View Post
    Guys. I'm in a bit of a loss. And I've been thinking about doing this here, and I know I shouldn't. I really shouldnt.. but u guys have really helped me so much through this last month, and my head is exploding and I'm just so sad.
    My Mom passed away, very suddenly got ill within a week, we went from hospital to hospital in Poland and this whole healthcare system is a fucking joke. Hospitals are just fkin graveyards. I offered 20k to let her transport to Germany but they couldn't do it cuz the hospital didn't allow to pass information due to some fkd up guidelines. They just didn't do jackshit in Poland besides bloodtests till she passed away. There's so much anger, and regret. And I was so helpless the whole last week and in so much pain and struggle. Now all the hope just vanished. There is this huge hole. PFS makes my head feel like a filled bowling ball with all this stress. My Dad was so dependent on my Mother, spending every single day 24/7 together for the last 36 years. I'm not even sure if I'm more heartbroken due to the loss of my Mother or for the loss for my Dad. And here I am, a 29 year old single with fresh-PFS and a broken dick. Having pains down there even tho I'm half numb, and bending and fearing fucking calcification with rapid aging skin and these fucked up sleepissues. My gums hurt extreme all day as if someone is tearing them up combined with cancer sores and my stomach seems to be unable to digest shit.
    It's just all, so much.... and I rly don't know, how to cope ..
    I deleted this now 3 times.. I just don't know what to do. all this superficial shit, jobs, money, it's all so worthless
    Thought that after I get out of PFS I will be finally able to actually really appreciate life, and now there's just this .. huge nothingness and fear for my Dad who just won't be able to cope.. and forgive himself
    just fuck
    I'm sorry for your loss man. No amount of typing from me can heal that or make it any better. Can't imagine how horrible something like that is, and PFS amplifies even the smallest of issues. I don't know you or your family of course, but if I had to wager, I would bet that she wouldn't want you to give up, and that she would want you to heal and live life to the fullest you can. If you need anybody to talk to, hit me up.

  4. #44
    Established Member Feedback Score 0 Bankai9000's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    188
    Mentioned
    2 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Thank you guys. It really means a lot. As you're saying DK, on the day she passed I had a drink with my Dad. And there was this splitsecond of a decision if I want to spend my time mouring and getting wasted or actually try to fix myself asap to live life to the fullest and make her proud. And although this drink felt absolutely amazing I went with the second choice(I always loved to drink..). I've ate quite some shitfood anyway(was always a stresseater), but I didn't get wasted and am focused on handling absolutely everything I can now to move on. All this paperwork and burying.. I'd never thought this shit is so much work and it all just hurts even more.

    Tomorrow I will be back to 99% diet. After the fast and shiet I have extreme cravings, I'm hitting daily probably 3-6k kcal and really need to stop eating that much. This PFS shit annoys the hell out of me, I can't even mourn in my "own" way due to fear of a crash. Probably better for my own health but still, I fkin hate it. I'd love to get wasted with close friends and just enjoy some time among others soon. For now it was really hard to talk with people, but the people around me are so supportive, it's incredible and I'm blessed to have such people around. Some brought us daily food, some cleaned even the house and others invited us in to feast at theirs and dozens offer me all help of the world. Really trying to focus on what I can appreciate and there are no words how valueable anyones live actually is. And what pain it brings to absolutely everyone when a person is gone. I literally hate myself for ever thinking about suicide in the past, what a fucking joke. I keep fighting, sadly all this stress got me in a downswing. My skin stopped working again(bedsheets for 40min~ now..) and I've sometimes absolutely crazy eyefloaters. My hands seem shaking now too...
    The herbs seem to give me really good sleep tho. I don't know what it is but I seem to be able to sleep with max 1-2breaks. It's still shallow af and with all the things to do I can barely handle to hit 7h sleep in total. After Sunday I will be able to maybe get more sleep, but it's so hard to actually be asleep at 22 if I haven't been used to it for years.. and I'm working my ass off and have just some chill after 21, so it all just adds up..

    I'm calming myself down with 2-3x meditation a day or just walking through the forest, people come daily and try to cheer me up anyhow and share their stories. It's so astonishing to see how so many people got over crazy struggles. My Dad gets accompanied from close friends 24/7 aswell. He's the reason I have all this panic inside me. I was always kinda a huge social drinker/person, but still an introvert. I can entertain myself alone and don't need anyone around me, but he's an old man, always done everything with his wife. Never been alone.

    I will win this battle, gonna be a fucking great son. Gonna make all proud, and you biaczes too !

  5. #45
    SwoleSource Member Feedback Score 0 Rafenk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Location
    Germany
    Posts
    22
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    You're a legend Bankai. Stay strong.

  6. #46
    Established Member Feedback Score 0 Bankai9000's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    188
    Mentioned
    2 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Fkin dammit I deleted my post again.

    I drank a littl with some weed today and I still got it when it comes to pickup, but how tf do I manage to sleep with girls now? Cialis/viagra? Never used them before... do I really have to wait 6months-2years now?

    And @CD due to the stress I ate shit last week.. (5/6k a day)..., but overall my body feels good, 70% errections nightly and sleep is getting better. Maybe 3-4x days juice feast to clean a bit?

    Thank you @Rafenk, really means much!
    Last edited by Bankai9000; 07-08-2019 at 04:43 AM.

  7. #47
    Moderator Feedback Score 0 Cdsnuts's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Posts
    5,405
    Mentioned
    85 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by Bankai9000 View Post
    Fkin dammit I deleted my post again.

    I drank a littl with some weed today and I still got it when it comes to pickup, but how tf do I manage to sleep with girls now? Cialis/viagra? Never used them before... do I really have to wait 6months-2years now?

    And @CD due to the stress I ate shit last week.. (5/6k a day)..., but overall my body feels good, 70% errections nightly and sleep is getting better. Maybe 3-4x days juice feast to clean a bit?

    Thank you @Rafenk, really means much!
    Dude....you need to slow down. I understand you just had a tremendous loss, but beating yourself up is going to do no good for anyone in your life, including yourself.

    You don't have to wait 6mo-2yrs to sleep with a woman. If you can manage it right now, then go for it! That time frame is typically what it takes for people to recover, that's all. It has nothing to do with having sex or not. Sex is always encouraged during this time period despite the difficulties it may pose.

    And no, there is no need to do another cleanse.

    Do yourself a favor and read as much of this forum as possible. The website as well. Most, if not all of your questions will be answered that way.

    We have grown quite a wealth of knowledge here over the years. Use it.
    Last edited by Cdsnuts; 07-08-2019 at 11:32 AM.
    Total Male Optimization "People who say it can't be done shouldn't interrupt those that are doing it"

  8. #48
    Established Member Feedback Score 0 Bankai9000's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    188
    Mentioned
    2 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Since I usually write in an emotional state. I want to take some time to write now when I'm chill and feeling extremely calm. Probably much but it helps me to throw it all out and then move on, and reread maybe some day a little.

    Thank you CD man, like getting on here and reading such an answer really kicks me back into focusing on life. I appreciate it, a lot, every single time.

    I still cheat, still eat some ice and or so when I'm out with people. It's not ideal, I shouldn't do it. But for now just destressing when the possibility arises seems even more important than anything else. When my life calms down soon(I hope this daily..) I will leave those out 99%, besides maybe when I'm with a girl going out.

    Otherwise my diet is extremely on point, I've read and read and I'm totally set on what to do. Ofc I'm going paelo, but I'm trying to fit it into my personal needs. More cooked vegetables, more meals, less fruits, more focus on clean good meats etc. I had a very unhealthy "healthy" lifestyle, even tho I was eating "good" foods I was crazy overdosing on fruits 24/7 for example.

    I've got a hairtest like 2 weeks after my crash and got the results some days ago, and this helps me even more to put into perspective what to eat more of and what less. Got crazy high calcium and copper, all life drinkin shittons of milk with wheys and dairy with absolute freak amounts of sugars(fruits and candy) with chocolate/cookies etc.. So no suprise these are freaking high, high sugar, tons of alcohol and stress-chasing habits leading to completely plummed magnesiumlevels. Funny is the supplementation they suggest is literally exactly of what I've read here on Swole and Hackstasis how to fight PFS or all "natural" supports optimum for organ health and am using those already anyway. Like B vitamins, digestive support, magnesium and some zinc.

    In the last week I got crazy vascular, my muscles feel better even tho I had barely time to hit the gym. My skin is super hydrated and got great color, I've lost all paleness (which sometimes weirdly reappears randomly). My eyefloaters are fucking intense after swimming in the sea, but otherwise way better now too.

    My sleep is still shit, I wake up like 3-4x a night in addition to not having much time. I get quite some errections at night and it seems that every single one is waking me up lol. Wouldn't mind that XD, but sadly they are weak, like 50% ;/. Got the bending and rotation going on which is freaking me out, but I just try not to worry about it now.

    When the weather allows it I'll try to hit the sea daily for 10-15minutes, I'm used to cold exposure like a mofo by now and sea water seems to balance out the bodies minerals very well according to hacks.
    Skin varies but today the bedsheets dissappeared in like 3-5minutes, probably best since crash.

    Overall I feel good, I try to appreciate absolute everything. It just hurts me so much that I'm doing it this late.
    Went for a walk today in the forest (I live in a really small touristplace, stunningly beautiful) and when it started raining all ran, and I just walked down with this fakin JOY building up inside myself. Fucking loved it. Remembering the body anhedonia makes stuff like that feel out of this world. My mind is clearer and better than precrash now. No brainfog, not much tiredness and my memory is getting crazy good. My heartbeat is too strong but overall on point, aswell as my arythmia is gone completely.


    I'm really really happy to have found this place, I feel like a different human compared to whom I've been a month ago. Am working like 12hours a day now, there's just barely time for anything. My whole live got turned around. I go to bed early, I wake up early and then I have maybe 1-2hours for myself till I have to focus on sleep again. But even with such a lifestyle it is still way less taxing on my body compared to that shit I've done to myself prior.
    And stuff which would anger me out of this world in work just doesn't bother me much anymore. AND OMFG I JUST NOTICED MY HEART beats faster out of anger. For the 6 weeks it seemed my heart was like detached from my brain, but I had to deal with a very unpleasent guy today and now I just noticed xD.

    I stopped valuing this pseudoimportant stuff tho and if I earn less due to some idiot so be it, not like it really matters in the end anyway. Being healthy and sharing shit with friends/people/family is what counts. Being upset about deadlines and shit which always somehow can get handled just seems so absurd to me now.

    Something I just want to add, for anyone still reading this shitwall of text.
    My Mom had a beautiful funeral, it's weirdly probably one of my most .. idk how to say it. It was just absolutely stunning, there were like 60-70people. From who I knew like 40people so deep that they all felt like family. People were crying with us and it just felt so.. this whole pressure and pain got eased so much by touching and sharing with all these people crying and being there for us.

    I'm slowly getting this real feeling back of, just being able to handle things. Still sharing a tear here or there, but I'm getting better, and my Dad seems to be really happy to see me being now this solid pillar handling everything without complaining.


    So thanks a lot guys, you guys saved me. Seriously.
    Last edited by Bankai9000; 07-09-2019 at 03:41 PM.

  9. #49
    Moderator Feedback Score 0 Cdsnuts's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Posts
    5,405
    Mentioned
    85 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by Bankai9000 View Post
    Since I usually write in an emotional state. I want to take some time to write now when I'm chill and feeling extremely calm. Probably much but it helps me to throw it all out and then move on, and reread maybe some day a little.

    Thank you CD man, like getting on here and reading such an answer really kicks me back into focusing on life. I appreciate it, a lot, every single time.

    I still cheat, still eat some ice and or so when I'm out with people. It's not ideal, I shouldn't do it. But for now just destressing when the possibility arises seems even more important than anything else. When my life calms down soon(I hope this daily..) I will leave those out 99%, besides maybe when I'm with a girl going out.

    Otherwise my diet is extremely on point, I've read and read and I'm totally set on what to do. Ofc I'm going paelo, but I'm trying to fit it into my personal needs. More cooked vegetables, more meals, less fruits, more focus on clean good meats etc. I had a very unhealthy "healthy" lifestyle, even tho I was eating "good" foods I was crazy overdosing on fruits 24/7 for example.

    I've got a hairtest like 2 weeks after my crash and got the results some days ago, and this helps me even more to put into perspective what to eat more of and what less. Got crazy high calcium and copper, all life drinkin shittons of milk with wheys and dairy with absolute freak amounts of sugars(fruits and candy) with chocolate/cookies etc.. So no suprise these are freaking high, high sugar, tons of alcohol and stress-chasing habits leading to completely plummed magnesiumlevels. Funny is the supplementation they suggest is literally exactly of what I've read here on Swole and Hackstasis how to fight PFS or all "natural" supports optimum for organ health and am using those already anyway. Like B vitamins, digestive support, magnesium and some zinc.

    In the last week I got crazy vascular, my muscles feel better even tho I had barely time to hit the gym. My skin is super hydrated and got great color, I've lost all paleness (which sometimes weirdly reappears randomly). My eyefloaters are fucking intense after swimming in the sea, but otherwise way better now too.

    My sleep is still shit, I wake up like 3-4x a night in addition to not having much time. I get quite some errections at night and it seems that every single one is waking me up lol. Wouldn't mind that XD, but sadly they are weak, like 50% ;/. Got the bending and rotation going on which is freaking me out, but I just try not to worry about it now.

    When the weather allows it I'll try to hit the sea daily for 10-15minutes, I'm used to cold exposure like a mofo by now and sea water seems to balance out the bodies minerals very well according to hacks.
    Skin varies but today the bedsheets dissappeared in like 3-5minutes, probably best since crash.

    Overall I feel good, I try to appreciate absolute everything. It just hurts me so much that I'm doing it this late.
    Went for a walk today in the forest (I live in a really small touristplace, stunningly beautiful) and when it started raining all ran, and I just walked down with this fakin JOY building up inside myself. Fucking loved it. Remembering the body anhedonia makes stuff like that feel out of this world. My mind is clearer and better than precrash now. No brainfog, not much tiredness and my memory is getting crazy good. My heartbeat is too strong but overall on point, aswell as my arythmia is gone completely.


    I'm really really happy to have found this place, I feel like a different human compared to whom I've been a month ago. Am working like 12hours a day now, there's just barely time for anything. My whole live got turned around. I go to bed early, I wake up early and then I have maybe 1-2hours for myself till I have to focus on sleep again. But even with such a lifestyle it is still way less taxing on my body compared to that shit I've done to myself prior.
    And stuff which would anger me out of this world in work just doesn't bother me much anymore. AND OMFG I JUST NOTICED MY HEART beats faster out of anger. For the 6 weeks it seemed my heart was like detached from my brain, but I had to deal with a very unpleasent guy today and now I just noticed xD.

    I stopped valuing this pseudoimportant stuff tho and if I earn less due to some idiot so be it, not like it really matters in the end anyway. Being healthy and sharing shit with friends/people/family is what counts. Being upset about deadlines and shit which always somehow can get handled just seems so absurd to me now.

    Something I just want to add, for anyone still reading this shitwall of text.
    My Mom had a beautiful funeral, it's weirdly probably one of my most .. idk how to say it. It was just absolutely stunning, there were like 60-70people. From who I knew like 40people so deep that they all felt like family. People were crying with us and it just felt so.. this whole pressure and pain got eased so much by touching and sharing with all these people crying and being there for us.

    I'm slowly getting this real feeling back of, just being able to handle things. Still sharing a tear here or there, but I'm getting better, and my Dad seems to be really happy to see me being now this solid pillar handling everything without complaining.


    So thanks a lot guys, you guys saved me. Seriously.
    The best thing you can do for everyone in your life is to take care of yourself. The better you are, the better you will be to everyone around you. It's not a selfish thing at all to make sure you're doing well. I actually look at it as the opposite.

    Sorry again about your Mother. I can't even imagine.
    Total Male Optimization "People who say it can't be done shouldn't interrupt those that are doing it"

  10. #50
    Established Member Feedback Score 0 Bankai9000's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    188
    Mentioned
    2 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by Cdsnuts View Post
    The best thing you can do for everyone in your life is to take care of yourself. The better you are, the better you will be to everyone around you. It's not a selfish thing at all to make sure you're doing well. I actually look at it as the opposite.

    Sorry again about your Mother. I can't even imagine.
    Thank you CD. This is exactly what has been going through my mind. I was out last 3-4days socializing. I'm actually an introvert, but a crazy social drinker/party pickup kinda guy. (We can learn everything right xd)

    Since PFS I had this extreme wired feeling which mostly calmed down by now but still present to a degree, so I still have the sleepissues. And while I know I'm not healthy I feel good can't lie.
    My mental/brainfog/tiredness is gone, and while something is wrong with me it makes life actually enjoyable af. So I need to be way more careful to focus on sleep and not overexerting my body even more. 1 night less sleep = instant skinfuck.

    So ye was roaming around with ma guitar at the beach after 12h of work yesterday(gud money lulz! ) and met some long notseen friends, hanging out singing shiet till 6am sharing tons of stories and just having a huge blast. Sadly drank a bit again and it's the 3rd time now.. and I really notice that my body cant handle it (ofcourse lol). My skin gets completely fucked on the full next day. My hangover is as bad as if I'd drink 3x the amount. But I opened up to some about my "endocrine crash" lel, and it felt good for myself to let go of this social pressure and get actual support from close friends.
    (And Im frekin horny after drinking, but afraid to fap XD)

    I've said it time and time again but I'm set af to now go into the right direction.
    Adding cooked vegetables to every meal has been absolutely nuts when it comes to my food/sugarcravings. They went 90% down and my body is actually craving these vegetables even after being the night out XD. Today one more day of lowsleep due to work and then I have quite some freetime to focus on what's important again.

    The loss of my Mom makes the idea of hide and let life slip by just so disgusting. I'm making plans with friends and 3/4 of my next week is already set to do stuff with people I like in nice places aswell as way further plans. Without the alc^^

    All these hits make talking to other people (which all my life has been quite an annoyance 😂 kinda different. But in a good way, since I value life way more now. I value peoples opinions and viewpoints, I'm just more curious and actually interested how people LIVE their lifes and what they are dealing with. And you'd be suprised at what shit people had to go through if you let them open up. I've got to know more about several friends I know in some recent talking hours compared to years of partying/fun together.

    Feelsgud

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •