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  1. #11
    Moderator Feedback Score 0 Cdsnuts's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mojo View Post
    Nearing 2 months into protocol,

    Getting off Mirtazapine was quite something. First week was ok, even felt slightly better. Second week I was a complete insomniac. Third - fourth week sleep started to return but I had intense episodes of fear and anxiety.
    Right now that is starting to slowly dissipate but I'm left with a racing mind that makes breathwork or meditating from very challenging to near impossible. Not really sure how to deal with this apart from going for long walks.
    I'm having rare nights where I manage to sleep for 5 hours, wake up and knock out another 2-3, waking up fresh and feeling almost symptom free the entire day. Most other nights I sleep for 2-3 hours and wake up to heart palpitations and anxiety, get up for an hour, get back in etc etc..

    The weird thing is I feel my anxiety now is different from my anxiety at the start of this whole PFS business. Is there anyone who can relate? It's almost as if my current issues are more like a post trauma aftermath.
    Like I'm almost ready to say I don't have PFS at all and all I'm left with is some form of PTSD after 150% worrying about my health and experiencing severe anxiety / insomnia for months on end.

    I'll continue with the protocol, as it's healthy and most elements are prime for dealing with anxiety disorders anyway.
    "Big dick energy" lol.....I like it.

    Listen...regardless of what you are suffering from, this protocol, if given enough time and consistency, will bring your body and mind back into homeostasis. At this point, it doesn't matter what you're suffering from, what matters is stopping the suffering and bringing yourself into a more livable reality. Then, and only then can you start to pin point different angles. For now though, you need to focus on the big picture. Get your outline laid out and colors situated. Once the picture starts to come together, you can then worry about the shading.

    Follow the instructions 100% for the next six months before making any other decisions. By that time you'll see that everything you need is here.

    Good luck.
    Total Male Optimization "People who say it can't be done shouldn't interrupt those that are doing it"

  2. #12
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    Just a quick check in. I started doing the wim hoff method after breakfast instead of conventional breath work and it manages to bring my head in a calm enough state to get back into meditating, feels awesome.

    I can definitely tell I’m making progress again after the mirtazapine withdrawal. Just had 3 days of feeling calm and composed. Had a good quality 5 hours every night, followed by some nightly tea sipping and another 3 hours of heavy non-nightmare dreaming. Waking up refreshed and calm is such a blessing.

    Getting stronger in the gym. Listening and enjoying music again. Having plans for the future. Chatting up a girl. Truly a new wave of energy and I’m grabbing on with both hands. Even if it gets worse again, I know for a fact I can get better. Thanks for the guidance CD.

    I ordered some quality Kava to maybe help take the edge off from time to time. Lets see how that goes.

    One other thing: after being in this hole for 8 months now, I’ve learned so much about myself and learned to appreciate simple things much more. I truly believe going through this and coming out at the end will change me as a human being. This is going to sound weird but: this was and still is hell from time to time. But when I finally get out of this I would not want anyone to take this experience away from me. I will own this and it will make me stronger than ever.
    Last edited by Mojo; 10-09-2020 at 06:41 AM.

  3. #13
    Moderator Feedback Score 0 Cdsnuts's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mojo View Post
    I will own this and it will make me stronger than ever.
    It most certainly will, in more ways then you can now imagine.
    Total Male Optimization "People who say it can't be done shouldn't interrupt those that are doing it"

  4. #14
    SwoleSource Member Feedback Score 0 Rafenk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mojo View Post
    One other thing: after being in this hole for 8 months now, I’ve learned so much about myself and learned to appreciate simple things much more. I truly believe going through this and coming out at the end will change me as a human being. This is going to sound weird but: this was and still is hell from time to time. But when I finally get out of this I would not want anyone to take this experience away from me. I will own this and it will make me stronger than ever.
    Well said brother.

  5. #15
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    Checking in 4 months on the protocol.

    Unfortunately my road is a rocky one. I had to withdraw on mirtazapine during recovery which is now 3 months ago, and on top of that I kicked xanax off the list as well as of 1 month ago now. I used a light dose of xanax for half a year to alleviate anxiety.
    However at some point in the last month of use I noticed my dose not doing anything for me anymore and became convinced that at least some of my anxiety was attributed to inter dose withdrawals. I can only imagine what stopping a higher, more long term dose would feel like. It would definitely be up there with the most hardcore PFS caused anxiety/depression.

    Anyway, my sleep is returning at a glacial pace. Falling asleep is no longer a real problem apart from some freak days where anxiety will just keep me up forever, where I spend more time on the way to the bathroom than in my bed. Staying asleep is still a problem but I have broken a milestone of getting an average of 4 hours before wakeup, for which I'm already grateful.
    There are days where my anxiety and depression seem to almost fully lift, but will usually be omnipresent in a soft constant uncomfortable state. Overall it does feel as if the whole package is improving slowly. Cold showers, exercise and meditation remain key here. I notice being mindful is getting easier and more spontaneous. I often have moments throughout the day where I just pause at the thought of just being, feeling the wind or the weight of my body. This helps me break the cycle of racing thoughts and reinforces a positive feeling of improvements. The thing that kills me most about the mental side effects is that moment where you do down again after a good spell and your brain convinces me any upswing didn’t really happen and that I will be stuck in this hole forever. A complete mindfuck.

    I had my run with Kava. Unfortunately I never really got the relaxing effect of it and it just ended up making my mouth numb and my kidneys hurt.
    Got a small bag of Kratom now to test out. However, it acts as an opiate so no need to explain the dangers there.
    I still smoke cigarettes from time to time. It helps cope with anxiety. I told myself I'd quit one thing at a time, first the anti depressant, then the xanax, and nicotine for last. It's been quite the battle and it keeps making me postpone quitting.
    While releasing so many free radicals into my body will most likely hinder reaching proper homeostasis, I keep telling myself it's probably not that bad. Cigarettes suck lmao

    My libido department is no longer lacking at all. It's becoming a struggle to not wanting to relieve myself at least once a day. It puts me in an awkward spot as I urge for a new sexual partner, but on the other hand don't feel ready for it mentally quite just yet. Usually libido vanished when entering a strong downswing, but I haven't felt it leave for quite a while now.

    I'm on the fence about ordering some andro gel. I keep thinking it will fuck over my sleep and cause anxiety. In 2 months I'll be half a year in and will probably bite the bullet.

    Some tips if anyone would be interested:

    - Drink loads of water during the day but stop drinking anything a few hours before bed so you don't have to wake up to pee all the time.
    - Eat animal organ meats like liver. They are probably the most nutritional thing on this planet and loaded with the entire range of B vitamins.
    - If you have an extreme problem with racing thoughts before bed, I found smoking a light dose of high CBD cannabis helped me calm my thoughts down.
    - In case you are like me and anxiety/depression is your main symptom, chances are you are getting slight PTSD triggers from your surroundings, especially during covid lockdown. I found that redecorating or rearranging my apartment, and changing up routines mitigates some of the anxiety. I might plan to stay over with my parents for a few weeks in the future to completely overhaul my perspective on things for a bit.
    - If you have problems with cold showers try starting hot and then lower the temperature to minimum slowly. Then stand under the cold water long enough to start feeling numb or wobbly. Burst yourself with a wave of hot water right after and more often than not you can feel the surge of dopamine hitting you.

    Guess that's it for now. It's funny how I keep thinking of ways to adhere to the protocol better, but in the end it's just not that complicated. When it becomes routine I end up thinking I'm not doing enough because it doesn't really seem like that big of an investment. Oh well, I'm still struggling mentally, quite hard from time to time, but it does feel like every month is a little better than the previous one.

    Slowly trucking along. At this pace I'd expect to write a recovery story in like half a year or so. Keep your chin up everybody and keep grinding away.
    Last edited by Mojo; 11-19-2020 at 06:56 AM.

  6. #16
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    My last post of the year! Nearing 1 year of fighting and 6 months on TMO.

    After reading some more about UltraHard, I decided to bite the bullet and prepare for a cycle so I ordered a bottle. I wanted to make sure I have the best base possible before I cycle so I did another 5day water fast and 3 day juice about a month ago.

    Immediately after the fast I slept a whole night for the first time in a year without pharmaceutical aids. I snuck in a B complex in my stack but after a few days I started experiencing severe anxiety and insomnia again. No idea if it is related to B’s but I have read about similar experiences so I binned them. Got better relatively soon after.

    My last blood test came up with:

    - elevated cholesterol
    - severely elevated ferritin
    - borderline out of high range Estrone
    - some kidney marker out of range

    Unfortunately I need to get tested now for Hemochromatosis. Got a genetics test lined up in januari to check if its hereditary or systemic inflammation. Some Hemo symptoms include bad sleep, depression, loss of libido and painful joints / muscles. Remedy is simple: donate blood or have it drained. Went for an initial blood donation and no idea if it is coincidence but afterwards my anxiety lessened and my baseline sleep improved to about 5 hours before wakeup.

    I got back into Kava to calm down winded evenings, seems to work on and off.

    Tried Kratom. It most definitely helps with anxiety and depression. But, its a drug. And it definitely feels like one. I’ve woken up after surgery once in a warm cozy glowy daze, which I assume was caused by opiates, and after my first kratom dose I felt the same. Didn’t help me sleep for shit but I did not give a shit as I felt amazing. This stuff is downright powerful and most certainly dangerously addictive. And it comes with it’s own withdrawals so dabble on your own discretion. I plan on using it once or twice a week to relieve depression when needed.

    Looking forward to 2021. I’ve made a lot of progress this last half a year I’ve been on TMO. During this time I have now kicked mirtazapine, xanax and smoking. I’m certain this following year is the one where I recover.
    (If they open the goddamn gyms that is..)

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mojo View Post
    My last post of the year! Nearing 1 year of fighting and 6 months on TMO.

    After reading some more about UltraHard, I decided to bite the bullet and prepare for a cycle so I ordered a bottle. I wanted to make sure I have the best base possible before I cycle so I did another 5day water fast and 3 day juice about a month ago.

    Immediately after the fast I slept a whole night for the first time in a year without pharmaceutical aids. I snuck in a B complex in my stack but after a few days I started experiencing severe anxiety and insomnia again. No idea if it is related to B’s but I have read about similar experiences so I binned them. Got better relatively soon after.

    My last blood test came up with:

    - elevated cholesterol
    - severely elevated ferritin
    - borderline out of high range Estrone
    - some kidney marker out of range

    Unfortunately I need to get tested now for Hemochromatosis. Got a genetics test lined up in januari to check if its hereditary or systemic inflammation. Some Hemo symptoms include bad sleep, depression, loss of libido and painful joints / muscles. Remedy is simple: donate blood or have it drained. Went for an initial blood donation and no idea if it is coincidence but afterwards my anxiety lessened and my baseline sleep improved to about 5 hours before wakeup.

    I got back into Kava to calm down winded evenings, seems to work on and off.

    Tried Kratom. It most definitely helps with anxiety and depression. But, its a drug. And it definitely feels like one. I’ve woken up after surgery once in a warm cozy glowy daze, which I assume was caused by opiates, and after my first kratom dose I felt the same. Didn’t help me sleep for shit but I did not give a shit as I felt amazing. This stuff is downright powerful and most certainly dangerously addictive. And it comes with it’s own withdrawals so dabble on your own discretion. I plan on using it once or twice a week to relieve depression when needed.

    Looking forward to 2021. I’ve made a lot of progress this last half a year I’ve been on TMO. During this time I have now kicked mirtazapine, xanax and smoking. I’m certain this following year is the one where I recover.
    (If they open the goddamn gyms that is..)
    Congrats on your progress and kicking the stuff you did bro

  8. #18
    Moderator Feedback Score 0 Cdsnuts's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mojo View Post
    My last post of the year! Nearing 1 year of fighting and 6 months on TMO.

    After reading some more about UltraHard, I decided to bite the bullet and prepare for a cycle so I ordered a bottle. I wanted to make sure I have the best base possible before I cycle so I did another 5day water fast and 3 day juice about a month ago.

    Immediately after the fast I slept a whole night for the first time in a year without pharmaceutical aids. I snuck in a B complex in my stack but after a few days I started experiencing severe anxiety and insomnia again. No idea if it is related to B’s but I have read about similar experiences so I binned them. Got better relatively soon after.

    My last blood test came up with:

    - elevated cholesterol
    - severely elevated ferritin
    - borderline out of high range Estrone
    - some kidney marker out of range

    Unfortunately I need to get tested now for Hemochromatosis. Got a genetics test lined up in januari to check if its hereditary or systemic inflammation. Some Hemo symptoms include bad sleep, depression, loss of libido and painful joints / muscles. Remedy is simple: donate blood or have it drained. Went for an initial blood donation and no idea if it is coincidence but afterwards my anxiety lessened and my baseline sleep improved to about 5 hours before wakeup.

    I got back into Kava to calm down winded evenings, seems to work on and off.

    Tried Kratom. It most definitely helps with anxiety and depression. But, its a drug. And it definitely feels like one. I’ve woken up after surgery once in a warm cozy glowy daze, which I assume was caused by opiates, and after my first kratom dose I felt the same. Didn’t help me sleep for shit but I did not give a shit as I felt amazing. This stuff is downright powerful and most certainly dangerously addictive. And it comes with it’s own withdrawals so dabble on your own discretion. I plan on using it once or twice a week to relieve depression when needed.

    Looking forward to 2021. I’ve made a lot of progress this last half a year I’ve been on TMO. During this time I have now kicked mirtazapine, xanax and smoking. I’m certain this following year is the one where I recover.
    (If they open the goddamn gyms that is..)
    Congrat's on getting off the pharms, that's a feat in it's own right, but a word of advice, stay away from the kratom. Not only is it very addictive, it lowers testosterone, as do all things the tickle the opiate receptor. Your best bet is to just power through, stay true to the protocol as much as possible and the depression and anxiety will eventually work themselves out, as will everything else.

    Also, you want to stay away from any pharms for sleep. As a matter of fact, ALL pharms in general will simply slow down your progress on the protocol.
    Total Male Optimization "People who say it can't be done shouldn't interrupt those that are doing it"

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cdsnuts View Post
    Congrat's on getting off the pharms, that's a feat in it's own right, but a word of advice, stay away from the kratom. Not only is it very addictive, it lowers testosterone, as do all things the tickle the opiate receptor. Your best bet is to just power through, stay true to the protocol as much as possible and the depression and anxiety will eventually work themselves out, as will everything else.

    Also, you want to stay away from any pharms for sleep. As a matter of fact, ALL pharms in general will simply slow down your progress on the protocol.
    Point taken. I have been sporadically using it for a little less than a month now and I can tell it is lowering my drive a bit. It has however helped a ton in the anxiety department. My dose was very mild (2-3 grams few hours before sleep, few times a week). It put me in a state that elevated meditation to another level and made sleeping so much easier. Haven’t used any for 4 days now and my drive is bouncing back. I have like a hundred ish grams left and just knowing its there in my closet gives me some mental reassurance that I’ve got some deus ex machina hidden away in case I’m hit with some drastic anxiety. It’s serving more as a mental help right now than an actual substance.

    But yea, my SHBG was high on my last test along with low T and high E. So I do have to watch out with that stuff.

    I had some DIM and boron coming to me in the mail but apparently that got lost somewhere. Planned on supplementing those 2 to lower SHBG a bit. Just a bit worried that decreasing SHBG will cause my E to rise as its elevated to inhibit the excess E from binding if I understood correctly.

    I’ve been feeling really well this last week. A lot better than I would have come to expect. I feel like my progress has shifted into a higher gear. I’ve got a bottle of ultrahard on hand, which I was planning to cycle a few months from now. But right now I’m not thinking about it and just enjoying some sunny anxiety free days.

    Gonna see what the blood doc says about my iron. If I have to donate blood I can’t be using prohormones, so that is something I have to take into consideration.

  10. #20
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    Small update,

    I wolfed down on a cheezy pizza for the first time in a year. The craving was just too much. Woke up that night after a few hours with heart palpitations, sweat and nightmares. So note to self to not do that again for the time being.

    Other than that I'm doing prime. Only remaining issues I have is waking up unrefreshed with some annoying brain fog even after 7 hours of sleep, some minor anxiety / panicky feelings at random points during the day and since my last fast my libido has been lowered a bit.

    My central heating broke down apparently. Took me a while to notice as I take cold showers anyway and generally don't turn on the heating much. Funny how this just doesn't feel like a big problem. Covid is preventing from a technician coming by on a speedy notice but I don't really care that much.

    Waiting for my genetics test to see if I have hereditary Hemochromatosis. My bet is that I don't have it and my ferritin is elevated due to system wide inflammation. I do wonder whether the ferritin is messing with my sleep.

    Added a day of DIM to my herb rotation. Together with some additional Boron supplementation to attempt to lower my high SHBG / E.

    My order of a near infrared red light therapy LED box arrived yday. I ordered it because I have had 0 opportunities to sun my boys. Like this I get to bask them in glorious 600nm-850 nm light for about 20 minutes daily. I'll let you know how that goes.
    If you are interested, this is the one I ordered: NCCTRW 300W 500W 1000W Red Light Therapy Lamp 660nm Haushalt

    This has been the biggest and longest upswing I've had since starting TMO. Let's hope it's my new baseline.

    I'm incredibly happy with this progress and it just fills me with hope and good vibes.

    Best wished for you all.

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