My story and road to recovery - Mojo

[Cdsnuts]

Small update,

I wolfed down on a cheezy pizza for the first time in a year. The craving was just too much. Woke up that night after a few hours with heart palpitations, sweat and nightmares. So note to self to not do that again for the time being.

Other than that I'm doing prime. Only remaining issues I have is waking up unrefreshed with some annoying brain fog even after 7 hours of sleep, some minor anxiety / panicky feelings at random points during the day and since my last fast my libido has been lowered a bit.

My central heating broke down apparently. Took me a while to notice as I take cold showers anyway and generally don't turn on the heating much. Funny how this just doesn't feel like a big problem. Covid is preventing from a technician coming by on a speedy notice but I don't really care that much.

Waiting for my genetics test to see if I have hereditary Hemochromatosis. My bet is that I don't have it and my ferritin is elevated due to system wide inflammation. I do wonder whether the ferritin is messing with my sleep.

Added a day of DIM to my herb rotation. Together with some additional Boron supplementation to attempt to lower my high SHBG / E.

My order of a near infrared red light therapy LED box arrived yday. I ordered it because I have had 0 opportunities to sun my boys. Like this I get to bask them in glorious 600nm-850 nm light for about 20 minutes daily. I'll let you know how that goes.
If you are interested, this is the one I ordered: NCCTRW 300W 500W 1000W Red Light Therapy Lamp 660nm Haushalt

This has been the biggest and longest upswing I've had since starting TMO. Let's hope it's my new baseline.

I'm incredibly happy with this progress and it just fills me with hope and good vibes.

Best wished for you all.

Keep it up and you'll be making a recovery post sooner rather then later. Good job.

[Mojo]

Hemo test came back. Seems it’s inflammation and not iron disease. Ferritin levels dropped sharply as well. Seems to coincide with having a fairly good upswing and doing better generally.

Had a very good 4 weeks. Some anxiety here and there, some bad nights, some sleepless still. But overall best month I’ve had since crashing. Unfortunately I’ve been hit hard by an anxiety wave last few days where I just can’t seem to catch a break. Sleep is terrible, mind is racing, I can’t even meditate without freaking out. Like, even with my eyes closed they can’t stop moving around and thoughts race through my head so fast I can’t even tell what I’m thinking off. Having these extremely intense feelings of terror and fear that prick my heart for like a fraction of a second. Not enough to send me into a panic attack, but enough to leave me unsettled and make sleep impossible. Saved some kratom for this exact scenario and it helps me cope. Wish I had some weed left over for the racing thoughts but I need to make a trip to the netherlands soon. I know it’s just a wave I have to ride out so I’m not too depressed about it.

Been eating more sugar lately. Might be that.

Libido has been good. I can’t tell for sure if the lamp is rubbing off on me but I’m having sex dreams again and waking up to boners p much every morning.

Gym’s still closed and it’s pissing me off. I need to get under a weight and into a sauna. Still sitting on this damn ultrahard bottle. I only want to break it out when I’m lifting again.

Sorry for the negative tone, thought I’d try and reverse jinx myself for once 😅

[Cdsnuts]

Hemo test came back. Seems it’s inflammation and not iron disease. Ferritin levels dropped sharply as well. Seems to coincide with having a fairly good upswing and doing better generally.

Had a very good 4 weeks. Some anxiety here and there, some bad nights, some sleepless still. But overall best month I’ve had since crashing. Unfortunately I’ve been hit hard by an anxiety wave last few days where I just can’t seem to catch a break. Sleep is terrible, mind is racing, I can’t even meditate without freaking out. Like, even with my eyes closed they can’t stop moving around and thoughts race through my head so fast I can’t even tell what I’m thinking off. Having these extremely intense feelings of terror and fear that prick my heart for like a fraction of a second. Not enough to send me into a panic attack, but enough to leave me unsettled and make sleep impossible. Saved some kratom for this exact scenario and it helps me cope. Wish I had some weed left over for the racing thoughts but I need to make a trip to the netherlands soon. I know it’s just a wave I have to ride out so I’m not too depressed about it.

Been eating more sugar lately. Might be that.

Libido has been good. I can’t tell for sure if the lamp is rubbing off on me but I’m having sex dreams again and waking up to boners p much every morning.

Gym’s still closed and it’s pissing me off. I need to get under a weight and into a sauna. Still sitting on this damn ultrahard bottle. I only want to break it out when I’m lifting again.

Sorry for the negative tone, thought I’d try and reverse jinx myself for once ��

Stay away from the kratom. It's just a bandaid and it will cause you to reach for it every time you have anxiety. This isn't a good scenario.

When you get like that........take a cold shower......breathe......try and meditate.....or, force yourself to do calisthenics to burn off the nervous energy. Or you could always take some of this Blue Vervain | Total Male Optimization

You just have to make it through those times without taking anything that's going to set you back. You'll be better for it when you do.

[Mojo]

I hear you. Was taking a tiny single dose of 1g in the afternoon, but I understand it’s bad conditioning. The belief I can tackle this without bandaids will help me in the long run. I just wish it didn’t work so goddamn well, it’s like an instant fix. Nature can be cruel.

Bag is finished anyway now so it was a nice run. Thanks for the input.

[Cdsnuts]

I hear you. Was taking a tiny single dose of 1g in the afternoon, but I understand it’s bad conditioning. The belief I can tackle this without bandaids will help me in the long run. I just wish it didn’t work so goddamn well, it’s like an instant fix. Nature can be cruel.

Bag is finished anyway now so it was a nice run. Thanks for the input.

Good, you understand. You put it perfectly well.....conditioning.....yes. NEGATIVE conditioning. That's how many of the pharmaceuticals work....instant fix. But the price you pay isn't worth it. Or, as I always say, the juice isn't worth the squeeze.

By the way....the blue vervain works great for this and it's not habit forming. You can take as much as you need until you feel content. Try it.

[BBG]

I ended up on PH, entering the worst period of my life.
Stopped cold turkey and dreaded so much about a coming crash that I basically walked myself into a major panic attack about a week after my last dose.

What is PH if you don't mind me asking?


Also, maybe I missed it, but did you detail your diet at all in this thread? If not, what is your diet like?

[Cdsnuts]

What is PH if you don't mind me asking?


Also, maybe I missed it, but did you detail your diet at all in this thread? If not, what is your diet like?

Bro....they are ALL here for the same thing, for the most part. They all have a specific set of things to follow....diet being one of them. PH (Propecia help)

[Mojo]

What is PH if you don't mind me asking?


Also, maybe I missed it, but did you detail your diet at all in this thread? If not, what is your diet like?

As CD said, following a paleo diet as per his protocol. Though I sometimes get a bit of gluten or artificial sweeteners as a treat. At some point I might try out keto again. I did that for a year before this whole ordeal and quite liked the effects it had on me.

And PH is propeciahelp yes. A forum where people try to one up eachother on who want to commit suicide the hardest.

[Cdsnuts]

As CD said, following a paleo diet as per his protocol. Though I sometimes get a bit of gluten or artificial sweeteners as a treat. At some point I might try out keto again. I did that for a year before this whole ordeal and quite liked the effects it had on me.

And PH is propeciahelp yes. A forum where people try to one up eachother on who want to commit suicide the hardest.

The Paleo diet, in it's strictest form, is basically the same as the keto diet with a few small details changed. Add in the backloading at night and that's when the hormonal goodies come.

[Mojo]

Ordered some Blue Vervain. Very curious about this one.
Also bought some avena sativa and some grapefruit seed extract. Its starting to really dawn on me just how many supplements I have in my kitchen. I stopped caring at some point and just felt like trying out everything.
I’m basically being paid to sit at home right now and do whatever, plus I’m making a fair bit day trading on the side, so money is not a real issue atm.

I’ve got a new girlfriend and had sex again for the first time since I crashed over a year ago. That was definitely a hurdle but I’m happy to report everything is still functioning! I was terrified of the thought of having someone next to me while I’m tossing and turning through insomnia and then getting up in the middle of the night to rigorously mix up some albizia in the kitchen. Luckily she was understanding :-)

My anxiety downswing is unfortunately still active. It’s just always present in the background, causing worry and uneasiness.
I can manage it during the day. But I can’t fight it when I’m asleep. Tend to wake up often to terrors that just ruin my day. Cold showers and breath work at night help to get back to sleep at some point but I’m just so damn tired of waking up and I really really just want to get done with this.

Good news is it seems that brain pressure / fog is now a thing of the past, even during this downswing and lack of sleep. Overall, even though I still don’t sleep enough, it feels like any sleep I get is quality sleep. I pretty much always feel rested to some degree. Happy about this one as previously it often felt like my brain didn’t know how to sleep anymore. As if my entire night was unfulfilling stage 2 zombie sleep.

Going to start my first UH cycle soon. Posted a new thread to log it with some questions beforehand: Question before I start my first UH cycle