Hey man, I’ll keep it short & succinct.

I’m happy to hear you’ve made the commitment to not kill yourself. Honor that every time you think about it. I too have made that commitment and it makes me stronger every time I find myself in the hole.

Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts – these are all common consequences of your environment, not just accutane/fin/SSRI etc. I’m not dismissing what the drug did to you, but I can say with confidence that nobody can ever heal from anything if their current environment is detrimental to their mental health and soul. This goes both ways – bachelor life & spartan life. If incorporating certain aspects of the protocol takes away from your quality of life, then you need to find ways to reintegrate it in a way that it won’t. It should supplement the life you’d like to be living, PAS/PFS or not. Social connection is a nutrient that I think should be right up there with herbs and exercise. If you’re expensing that for something that ultimately just causes you more stress, at best you’ll stay the same, most likely become more depressed. Even when whatever you’re trading it for is good for you. At that price, it no longer is. Start slow, build up, and eventually you’ll put it all together in a way that makes you happy.

@Damn said it best: don’t let perfect be the enemy of good. It’s all about balance. Cliche but true.

That being said, drinking and smoking takes their toll on everybody. I have friends who are perfectly healthy and moderate both because of the depression and mental health toll they take. I also have tons of friends who were stoners that don’t touch it anymore because they developed anxiety and all sorts of other shit. This transition seems to happen somewhere between 21 & 25 lol, so you’ll figure it out eventually.

As to talking to your friends, family, and whoever else – balance. It’s extremely healthy and therapeutic to offload shame and emotional weight, but you don’t want to make a dependency out of it. Don’t let it become your identity – it will only reinforce the state you’re in and make it that much harder to overcome. That is why people leave this site. They come to understand that they need to shed and walk away from this label in order to cross the line into the life they truly want to live. I highly suggest using therapy to work on other aspects of your life and not just address your current state of health.

You’re only 21. Like you said, you have so much more life to live. Focus on living it to the fullest in the way that you’d like to. Take time to envision the life you’d want to live, even if you didn’t have these health problems, and then take steps and execute. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for even taking steps forward at all. There is always enough time.

All the best brotha,

Ratchet