First PCT Period - Almost 4 Weeks In - June 2023

Hey fellas, it's been hell of a tough time and whirlwind since my last update. This post is sharing what happened to me in my first PCT period post my first 5 week UltraHard cycle.

Firstly, what I am glad to report is that the positive effects of my first cycle have decently stuck, albeit not nearly as strongly as when I was on cycle. Right now, I feel about 65-70% recovered, whereas on cycle maybe 75-80% recovered (at least on the peak days).

For the first 3 days after I stopped my first cycle, I slowly felt me PFS symptoms creeping back in with increasing extremity. These were primarily neurological PFS symptoms as I hadn't noticed a heap of sexual benefits on cycle so there wasn't much difference here once I hopped off.

Across day 1, I noticed my mind racing a bit more. I started feeling more unrest in myself, like something was off and like I was free-falling a bit through reality. By day 3 post cycle, it was like all my PFS had come back in so strong I became beside myself with a feelings of impending doom that consumed me. My mind was racing uncontrollably, unable to stop. I was fidgeting and synapsing up the walls so to speak. Towards the evening of day 3, I was at my girlfriend's how an basically had a borderline panic attack hit me. I had to sit on her couch in the living room, holding my head in my hands, my feet pulsing against the ground, taking deep breaths over and over to keep it together. The sensation I was going through was as if my brain had been put in a straight jacket and locked in a dark room. It was as if it was in state of despair, totally unable to generate anything but negative thoughts or free itself from a consuming sense of impending doom. It's awful and what I felt like most of time during my worst months post crashing in late 2022.

As I sat on the couch, breathing deeply and trying to steady myself from teetering over the edge, I suddenly felt a series of a 'clicking' sensations happening inside of my brain. It was as a set of switches were getting 'flicked on' and as this happened, it was as if my brain somehow kicked itself back into action (metaphorically breaking one arm free from the straight jacket it was in) and started generating the release of good feeling chemicals again. As this happened, the intense neurological sides subsided super quickly and an immediate state of equilibrium and relief took over. This was not merely a mental shift as if I had something to do with it by changing my mindset or something. No, this felt like a physical/chemical shift inside my brain's functioning itself.

I'm not sure what the hell happened here - looking back, the broscience explanation I have come up with is that once the I stopped the prohormones and thus stopped synthetically feeding my body and mind the right chemicals, everything slowly got depleted until it tripwired my brain and kicked it into an emergency gear where it starting doing everything it could to function and produce all the right chemicals etc. to create the equilibrium it was previously in again, albeit this time self-generated and not synthetically from the prohormones. Whatever it was, suffice to say I was deeply relieved as I feared that I had lost completely all that I had positive recovery I had gained from the first cycle run and was regressing straight back into the 'fighting for dear life in every second mode' that I had been struggling through daily for over 10months with PFS. Thankfully, this was not the case and once this sensation of my brain 'clicking' back into gear happened, the state of relative relief and equilibrium stuck on its own all throughout the rest of this first PCT period.

However, as more days and weeks of PCT have passed, I realized that I have definitely dipped into a sort of midway point between my terrible state before my first cycle and the much better state I had been in on cycle (which I felt about 75% recovered at its peak). So I'm situated somewhere in between both of those points and as it turned out, this current state I'm in is still a major ordeal to function through. Primarily, my brain has gone back to feeling constant raciness, lack of focus, and more restless and uncontrollable. My brain fog, lower moods and motivations have all come back in again too, and generally I felt like I am still far from functioning as my normal self again - although still better than before the cycle for sure as the sense of 'something being profoundly not right in myself or the world' that was with me in every moment pre-cycle has permanently gone (so this is an enormous win).

To make matter worse, I felt totally asexual for literally 3 weeks straight of PCT. This was definitely the biggest difference to on cycle in which I felt for the most part more connected to my dick in sensation, and like I had a more functioning libido. This was wiped to zero again and it was disconcerting but I put up with it as best I could. I freaked out a bit and masturbated a couple of time to porn during the first week which was foolish as I think this further played a part in making my sexual downswing and crash worse than it could have otherwise been. I was having issues with my girlfriend at this time and so this was another reason I turned to the porn/masturbating pleasure as a relief from all this (which was still a big mistake for me at this point in my recovery and I should have known better and been stronger).

There were also a number things that happened to me during the first week or two of PCF that deeply challenged me, one thing came in after another after another. The first was I felt like I was definitely low on E after my first cycle. In particular, I wondered the extent this was potentially playing into my asexual state. My dick looked smaller and more feeble than at any point during my whole PFS journey and felt utterly disconnected from my brain during most of PCT (other than when look at porn or with my gf and even then it was really bad to the point I could hardly have sex the one time I tried it in this PCT period). This, along with my low appetite, weakness at the gym, general lethargy and insomnia, all could have definitely linked to low E, obviously in addition to general life stresses and PFS symptoms too. I can't be sure without blood tests which I won't be getting at the moment, so I guess I won't know for sure how much low E played a part in this super current downswing at this time.

The other thing that I let foolishly and completely accidentally happen was that I used a shampoo which had saw palmetto in it. This happened at some point during the first week of PCT and I couldn't believe it. This was an organic shampoo I'd been using for over 5 years (way prior to using finasteride or having any PFS sides whatsoever) that I liked as it seem to help nourish and thicken up my hair. It is kind of expensive though and due to financial predicament I was in due to this whole finasteride fiasco, I simply hadn't reordered any online for almost a year and was using some cheaper stuff instead. So when I reordered recently, it simply slipped my mind (massive rookie mistake) to check the ingredients because I'd used it for so long in the past.

Anyway, I didn't notice any immediate side effects after applying and washing it out of my hair. I'm pretty sure I was feeling pretty asexual already at the time it happened, but there's a chance it the shampoo may have inhibited some 5-ari and contributed to this extended downswing I've been in. It's hard to say as I never had issues with saw palmetto in the past (I took it as a supplement for a couple of weeks a year or two back with no issues + I used this same shampoo for years), but given how crushed my DHT/5-ari is right now and also just how much more sensitive I seem to be these days to all kind of things (with the finasteride being a prime example of this but also included caffeine, sugar, alcohol etc. although I have steered clear from drinking completely of course). So nonetheless, it was an unlucky thing that happened and I immediately binned the shampoo and started researching all potential DHT/5-ari inhibitors to cross-check all other foods or products I'd been using recently to be super sure and I was fine here.

In addition to this, another unlucky thing happened. In the same week this happened (first week of PCT), my brother came over to give me something when I was sitting on the couch watching TV. As he was leaning towards me, he tripped over and shouldered me square in the nose. It was a complete accident, but it has left me with a noticeable bump in the bridge of my nose. This has surprisingly bummed me out and depressed me a lot as I can't help noticing how prominent the bump is and how it has altered my appearance. It cut me deep. I am someone who has struggled to accept his physical appearance in the past (with the hairloss affecting my self-esteem a lot) and so this bump in the nose brought up a lot of that insecurity, sense of worthlessness and even grief for me to process and face. It sounds so stupid I know, but I really liked my nose before. It was straight and aesthetic as hell and really suited my face - to the point my girlfriend and others would comment how beautiful it looked from a side profile angle. But now it is bumped. I feel disfigured and just hurt by life almost that this could happen so suddenly on top of everything else, but I know too that that's life. The only constant is change. I also know this is totally ridiculous, all in my head, blown out of or proportion, only noticeable and important to me, and to love myself and just get over it. Which I will in time. If there's anything that the whole hair loss/finasteride thing had taught me, it's to embrace yourself for who you are. To accept and love yourself from within based on who you are as a person and the fact that you truly are is a completely loved and perfect life-force / consciousness / soul that lives within the body. You are so much more than how you look and how you look makes you no less worthy or loveable at the core of who you truly are. However, even with this knowledge, it still stung my ego. I can't lie, my ego feels it really sucked that this happened. I felt shocked that such a simple bump to the nose like this in an instant can cause this kind of damage. I thought noses were more durable than this, especially seeing UFC/MMA fights etc. Anyway, after everything I've been through in the past year, it felt like rubbing salt into the wound.

As this happened, and in conjunction with my more chaotic PFS symptoms and downswing, I felt myself falling back into that spiraling survival mode again to a degree. I was able to keep going to the gym and run my business fairly well, but I started binging out on sugary lollies again to ease my pain and staying up later a night binging Netflix series and movies to escape. I started simply going into existing mode, just waiting and counting down the days to my next cycle to get more relief and momentum going with my PFS recovery. I know I shouldn't be putting so much emphasis on the prohormones, but I can't help it as I've realized how powerful and essential they seem to be for the recovery of many guys here, including me after my first experience with them.

Finally, in the second week of PCT, I also received the sudden notice that two of my clients on the same day weren't going to continue with business with me (which greatly affected my cash flow) and then I also got a notice from the government on the same too that my overdue tax bill from the previous year was due to be paid a month early - i.e. 3 days away. This tax payment was something I had to get an extension on from last year due to the financial turmoil I was in directly related to PFS/inability to run my business last year. Both of these money things were simply too much for me to bear at the time. I felt so overwhelmed with the predicament I was in and couldn't believe how much of a fucking struggle I've been constantly in. I couldn't believe life could just be so intensely arduous like this, although of course I know billions of people have far more brutal challenges and period of struggle than me, so I don't mean to make light of this either. But man this is not a fun time.

But with all of this happening at once, especially after the ray of hope I experienced during my first UH cycle, when the PFS symptoms, the nose grief, saw palmetto thing, the money/financial situation all hit within a week, I broke down one afternoon earlier this week. My brother consoled me and I was okay and back to a decently empowered mindset the following day. My fundamental nature is to be positive and choose love over fear, trust over despair, strength over bitterness, acceptance over blame, empowerment over victimhood - although sometimes it takes me a bit of huffing and puffing, carrying on and time to get there.

Anyway, I have pulled myself together over the last couple of days and have come up with a plan (I am writing this currently at the 3 and 1/2 weeks mark into my first PCT). I tend to be quite an emotional person, so I know I simply need a bit more time to process and accept the new appearance of my nose (just like the fresh pain of a breakup takes a few weeks to die down, so too with this change in self-identity). Nevertheless, I know I will be fine and this too shall pass; it's just there is quite a bit of acute pain, grief and inner self-esteem issues from my past all surfacing up at once that have been triggered by this, temporarily making this seem like more extreme of an event than I know deep down it really is.

The money issues I will too just have to keep soldiering on with. I currently don't know what I'm going to do and am down to my last savings that will cover only one more month of rent/living expenses, so it is stressful, but that's just part of the challenges and repercussions of this whole PFS thing. I take responsibility for this and will have to harden up to solve this. Somehow, life will provide and I know I will make it through this too.

As for the PFS symptoms, I've made up my mind to jump back on my second UltraHard cycle, starting today. Even as I write all of these words right now, a part of me is aware at just how ungrounded, unhinged and mentally chaotic I sound right now. I know it's not the real me and is hugely linked to the neurological, emotional, chemical, physical symptoms I am still inundated with. I know this, but it's just so hard to snap out of it because it is you. I am currently locked in this chaotic state and at this level of recovery right now. And so I've decided I need to get back on for my second cycle asap to combat this and hopefully spring me upward into another upswing and much more stable level of permanent recovery. Right now, I am simply still battling too hard with life as I still can't simply function.

I know I might be jumping in prematurely with this second cycle. I know 2-3months is the recommended PCT period, not just under 4 weeks. I know the risk of suppressing my E is there and I do still feel low on E (at least I think I am but maybe I'm actually not, again I can't be sure without blood tests) but even still, I'm going to go for it. I've also seen that CD has run a 12-week cycle on a quite high doses of the old Primordial Performance AH V3 stuff and he didn't get suppressed. I've also read countless other threads of guys doing longer cycles and higher doses to good results. I've also realized the common theme is that each cycle, especially after the 2nd or 3rd cycle, really kicks up guys into a state of recovery where life is bearable and livable again. This enable them to keep doing the protocol and wrapping up, bit by bit, the final stages of their recovery to the point of being 100% healed and thriving again. I want to be there and intend to get there.

So all things considered, this is going to be my plan. I am hopping on for my 2nd cycle of UltraHard later today. I am planning to stay a 3 pumps daily, at least for the first few days or week to start with - and then maybe I'll increase the dose from there, we'll have to see. So that's my plan for now. I hope to God that this can really improve my PFS and overall life situation. I can't wait to be done from the horrible (yet highly informative and character building) chapter of my life. On my cycle, I saw that there is truly a light at the end of the tunnel here. I felt it and could sense my old self was there, albeit at an energetic 'distance' away from me right now - but I could still almost feel and remember what it was like to be him again. So I know the light and end to all of this is out there, although it has dimmed quite a bit for me right now. But I will not only get it back, I will become the light again: a healed and thriving person who is living an amazing life and deeply grateful everyday to be functioning, alive and well every day.