Brothers, I cannot tell you how much of a relief it is to find this forum. CDNuts, I don't want to sound corny but thank you so much man. This has saved my life.

Hopefully there's some guys on here from PH or SolvePFS that might recognise me. Anyway, I won't waste my words on this part, may as well tell you my story.

When I was 23, I took Proscar for 1.5 months from late July 2013 - early September 2013. No one warned me of potential side effects, let alone ongoing. I wish I could say before I took Fin I was a happy, healthy person, but unfortunately I was far from it. I had been a massive weed addict for 5-6 years and had suffered bouts of what I now consider to be very mild depression/anxiety. The kicker though was the chronic obsessive thought disorder I developed during my last relationship, which unfortunately is still with me today.

So, anyway, I got hit with all the sides while on fin. I didn't exactly have sex all the time before taking it, so when the sides hit, I found the least worrying to be the sexual ones, and I've never got them as bad as the mental and emotional sides anyway. I quit, and after 14 days I went back to normal for 1 week, before the horrific crash that so many of us get. The mental/emotional sides got me by far the worst - I can still get excited when stimulated sexually, get rock hard erections and have sex/ejaculate no worries. Just very low libido basically.

Luckily, when I first found PH, CDnuts recovery story was still pretty new and like a duck to water, I took to it as my last hope.

However, I never truly believed, as I thought it was just one guy who got lucky over years of trial and error. I did the protocol out of hope, never really changed my obsessive thought patterns, and often cheated/didn't do it right. In hindsight, I was looking for a bandaid when my issues require complete surgery to every part of my mind, body and soul. I would do spits and spurts of protocols, mostly similar to CD's, then not notice any immediate changes and pack it in. I'd go back to heavy weed usage to deal with the insomnia, smoke cigarettes and drink.

The longest I made it was 4 months from January 2014 - April 2014. I did a 5 day water fast, ate all organic paleo, worked out like a beast, did carb backloading, cycled the herbs and then finally introduced the DHT. In hindsight, I went wayyyy too quick without addressing my underlying problems. I didn't notice much change over the 4 months, except for better mood after working out, better pump when taking the DHT, and naturally got really bummed out that I wasn't making progress. Then after taking the DHT, the natural PCT didn't work, and I crashed really bad. I packed it all in and focused on my career (I somehow finished my Masters and even got an e-commerce store going), and went back to heavily self medicating. Since May 2015, I've smoked a lot of weed and cigarettes again, drank all the time and just generally did things to make me forget about PFS. It actually worked, I wouldn't fixate on it, made some decent relationships and was existing I guess. I exercised 1-2 times a week up until the end of 2016 and ate reasonably healthy, but this year I just sort of gave up with everything.

I was ok just existing, and my fucked up brain kept telling myself that I'd somehow get rich and solve this all, or a 'cure' would come along. I got in a habit of telling myself next week I would quit everything and try get healthy, next week, next week...

Until finally, last Monday, I quit everything and went on a 3 day water fast again. And it all fucking hit me. The realisation I had wasted four years I could have spent trying to get better, or at least get 80-90 per cent of my life back. I got really depressed, suicidal (the worst I've EVER been) and have experienced a crash only similar to my initial one - horrible brain fog, zero concentration, massive depression, zero sleep. I stumbled around on the old forums looking for a magic cure someone might have found in the two years I was away, to no avail. Then, I saw one post saying CD was over here helping guys.

I came here, saw the recoveries section, and saw the tens of dudes following the protocol to the t, long-term, with a clear mind and body, who have either recovered or are very close. I saw photos of dudes with their shirts off looking fucking tank! (no homo) This has truly given me hope, and really made it clear that it wasn't just CD and a couple of lucky guys who got better. It's become apparent people do heal - they just have the right attitude, take the time, and then fuck off from the forums never to be seen again. Now I know there are guys who are doing it who are having success - I cried with happiness this afternoon seeing this. I have actually experienced a complete change of mindset and now I truly 100 per cent believe I can heal.

I know I've probably pumped myself more full of toxins while in PFS state than most guys who've recovered, and I also need to address my obsessive thoughts which always hold me back, so I might take longer than others. But now I believe I can do this. I'm really looking forward to changing everything about myself and becoming a completely new, stronger person. Very, very few people get a chance to truly shed all their baggage and do that in their life - so I'm scared but optimistic. It will be painful for a while, but it will get better.

I'll be easing myself into things this time - I don't care how long it takes, just knowing it's a repeatable process gives me hope. I'm starting by going Paleo, and easing back into exercise, along with seeing a psychologist to address my underlying issues. If I can never just exist in the moment without obsessing about something every minute of every day, I'll never find peace and heal. Over the first six months I plan on doing most of my work on diet, exercise, mental health before moving on to cycling the pro-hormones again.

I'm going to do 2 X 4 week juice feasts - 1 will come at the start of next year after building up some muscle again (I'm too thin/out of shape to do it now, it would be dangerous). I'll then build myself up again and do one last 4 week juice feast.

Planning on hanging around for a bit here at the start, then I will just check in every few months with progress. Once again - thank you to the people who have given me hope.