Been a long time coming! Overwhelmed and don't know where to start.

[Swill]

Just my two cents man...

You are SO HIGH, and then you are SO LOW. But you already know that and its something you need to address.

The one thing that is majorly hindering your progress is right in front of you, you're acknowledging it whilst with the next breath confused as to why you're having difficulty. You need to step away from this thing being your absolute life and the total definition of you. Read English's posts about the mental aspect. This is the one thing that is totally holding you back and presenting your issues... you must be slamming your cortisol through the roof whenever anything doesn't go totally to plan...

You need to accept you can't control the uncontrolables, you need to find yourself a life away from this thing and focus on mental wellness more than physical wellness. The second it clicks and you can get to the point where it doesn't occupy every single thought, the second you'll start moving forward. Do what makes you happy and focus on that, before long you'll find regardless of your side effect situation you'll be able to go days sometimes without thinking about it... and at that point, the cortisol stops, the healing and moving forward begins.

Examples... skip out the gym to go to the beach and take in a beautiful day, skip this forum for a couple of weeks and take that girl out you're on about. I talked on another thread about how to deal with girls when you have PFS, which I think you read (if you didn't then let me know and i'll dig it out). I think some time away from immersing yourself in this forum and the minutae about what people discuss will serve you well.

And before you think our situations are different. We are more alike than you think. I've been going through this since the beginning of 2013. I did myself more damage all through 2013 with trying all kinds of pharma crap that I imagine set me back even more, I literally travelled to the other side of the world to see a quack doctor who claimed he could help but used me as a guinea pig.... I was tested to the limit with what I went through. Then at the beginning of 2014 I came across CD's story and only then did the healing start. But it took me a while beyond there to get my head right mentally, it was a process. The second it no longer defined me, I moved forward immeasurably.

Im one that sticks to the protocol to the letter and CD has been a great friend to me through all i've been through, he's someone I respect as a person more than many lifelong friends. But my progress has been start stop, and slow. I've seen people start on this road and be healed in under a year, all along while i've been chugging along slowly... I am getting better, I can't not, its just it takes different people different lengths of time. I don't let it bother me, I just keep on keeping on knowing ill get there. You know why I can feel like that and not the 'why me? I'm working so hard' mentality?! Because life right now and for a long time has been good. Really fucking good. Once you're out of the initial period where you are in a state of flux, anyone can feel the same. Life is what you make it, and you are only as limited as you let yourself feel.

Do what makes you happy, even if it means you haven't done your X number of work outs a week. One night if something cool is happening, stay up late and enjoy it without worrying about consequence. It'll do you more harm than good as long as you are moderate with it. Don't let this define you. Get out and get with that girl, and if things dont work out with her, get with the next one. Then the next. Then the next.

Don't let life pass it by bro, you've got this. Its hard to take the step, but also the easiest and most important thing you will do on the path to healing.

[coppersocks]

Hey man you seem to be avoiding something that I consider to be one of the most important pillars of the protocol (and possibly one of the best life tools in general); meditation. It honestly is one of the best things to stop your mind racing and prevents you from going through the crazy ups and downs that we experience, despite how your body feels. The whole point of it is divorce yourself from that voice in your head and be present in the moment. You say you're consumed with thoughts of PFS, that it's all you think about. Why? If you stop for a moment and just scan your body, what's hurting you right now? Nothing. Are you in any physical pain due to PFS? No. Yes hormones and health have an impact on thoughts but it also works the other way. Once you learn to stop your mind racing, and stop following it down the stressful paths that it tries to take you then your stress hormones will stop pumping into your body as much.

Since you are having trouble with it this is how I meditate, it's honestly not hard or complicated.

Sit down and get comfortable, either on a cushion with your legs crossed or on a chair with your palms resting on your knees.
For a few moments I just look around my room, I look at my wardrobe, wall, anything, it doesn't matter. Just let your eyes wonder where they want.
After about twenty seconds of that I close my eyes and I start to pay attention to my breath. In, out. In, out. Once I'm comfortable I kind of do a physical scan of my body with my mind. I focus on my head and neck, noting any discomfort that I wasn't previously aware of, then my shoulders, back, etc.. all the way down to my toes. After that I just pay attention to my breathe or I listen to the ambient sounds in my room; the sounds of cars outside, birds singing, hum of my computer. I don't listen for them I just let the sounds come to me. Then back to my breath. In, out. And just keep repeating this kind PAYING ATTENTION to anything that is actually happening in or around me. That's all meditation is, just paying attention.
Now what will happen is that your mind will wonder. It will, it constantly does. You'll lose yourself in a thought and forget to pay attention to your breath or anything else that you are paying attention to, it may happen every few seconds even- particularly at the start. This is normal and natural, do not get annoyed at this because it is meant to happen. All your job is to do is to draw your attention back to the moment- your breath. In, out. In, out. In, out. When you do that the stream of thought that you were just on will just melt away. And that's the point, it's not about "clearing your mind" because that pretty much impossible and will lead to frustration, what it's about is training your mind to let go of thoughts that cause you stress or suffering or anything else melt away and realise that they don't own you and that they're not actually you.

Do it when you first wake up for fifteen minutes a day and I guarantee you will see some benefit. I hope this helps demystify the whole thing for you, it's really not hard!

[Cdsnuts]

Hey man you seem to be avoiding something that I consider to be one of the most important pillars of the protocol (and possibly one of the best life tools in general); meditation. It honestly is one of the best things to stop your mind racing and prevents you from going through the crazy ups and downs that we experience, despite how your body feels. The whole point of it is divorce yourself from that voice in your head and be present in the moment. You say you're consumed with thoughts of PFS, that it's all you think about. Why? If you stop for a moment and just scan your body, what's hurting you right now? Nothing. Are you in any physical pain due to PFS? No. Yes hormones and health have an impact on thoughts but it also works the other way. Once you learn to stop your mind racing, and stop following it down the stressful paths that it tries to take you then your stress hormones will stop pumping into your body as much.

Since you are having trouble with it this is how I meditate, it's honestly not hard or complicated.

Sit down and get comfortable, either on a cushion with your legs crossed or on a chair with your palms resting on your knees.
For a few moments I just look around my room, I look at my wardrobe, wall, anything, it doesn't matter. Just let your eyes wonder where they want.
After about twenty seconds of that I close my eyes and I start to pay attention to my breath. In, out. In, out. Once I'm comfortable I kind of do a physical scan of my body with my mind. I focus on my head and neck, noting any discomfort that I wasn't previously aware of, then my shoulders, back, etc.. all the way down to my toes. After that I just pay attention to my breathe or I listen to the ambient sounds in my room; the sounds of cars outside, birds singing, hum of my computer. I don't listen for them I just let the sounds come to me. Then back to my breath. In, out. And just keep repeating this kind PAYING ATTENTION to anything that is actually happening in or around me. That's all meditation is, just paying attention.
Now what will happen is that your mind will wonder. It will, it constantly does. You'll lose yourself in a thought and forget to pay attention to your breath or anything else that you are paying attention to, it may happen every few seconds even- particularly at the start. This is normal and natural, do not get annoyed at this because it is meant to happen. All your job is to do is to draw your attention back to the moment- your breath. In, out. In, out. In, out. When you do that the stream of thought that you were just on will just melt away. And that's the point, it's not about "clearing your mind" because that pretty much impossible and will lead to frustration, what it's about is training your mind to let go of thoughts that cause you stress or suffering or anything else melt away and realise that they don't own you and that they're not actually you.

Do it when you first wake up for fifteen minutes a day and I guarantee you will see some benefit. I hope this helps demystify the whole thing for you, it's really not hard!

Thanks for sharing. I would like this post twice if I could.

Just to add to this:

Everything he said is fine, and that's one way to do it.

I do it a little bit different. He is right that your mind will wander ALOT in the beginning as this is the state that it is used to being in CONSTANTLY. And he is right that the point of meditation is to bring yourself into the present moment. That is where life happens. Not in the future, not in the past...but NOW.

I don't focus on anything except my breath, in the very beginning. I let thoughts come and go. But because I'm a bit practiced at it, what happens to me after about five, sometimes fifteen minutes, is that ALL thought vanishes. This is the state that I am working for. This is the state all meditation is about. I become completely present in the moment. No thought....just now. This state is accompanied by a very pleasant and euphoric feeling of complete contentment in just simply BEING.

I try and stay in this space for as long as I can. The longer, the better. This state is where all of the benefits come from. The complete quieting of the racing, wandering mind. The complete peace and contentment. When there, I don't want it to end because it feels so good. When I'm in this state I also get this sensation in my minds eye...it's hard to explain, but it's a feeling of...um....it's a feeling of smoothness, if that makes sense. Flow, I guess you could call it. It is really blissful.

I can hear what is going on around me. The birds chirping, the wind blowing, but NO THOUGHT. I am completely centered. I am the center of the universe and everything is happening around me, but I am an anchor in the moment. Picture the eye of the hurricane. Chaos around you, but complete serenity in the middle. This is where I am, in the middle. Centered.

When the feeling starts to wane, sometimes after only a few minutes, sometimes after twenty, I slowly open my eyes and just sit with myself for a few minutes. This feeling you created in your mind stays with you for a good majority of the day. Things seem easier. The more you practice, the easier it will be to reach this state.

Twice a day is the sweet spot for me, but ANYTIME you can devote to it is beneficial. I shoot for twenty or twenty five minutes first thing in the morning and about the same amount of time at the end of the day.

Keep doing this, and great things will start to happen to your consciousness.

The breathing exercises get your mind in this state easier then if you didn't do the breathing first. A quick three rounds of breath work before meditation will take your practice to the next level.

This is a life practice and will yield huge benefits with continued practice, just like all parts of this protocol will. The mind work just ties all of the ends together very nicely.

And again, Coppersocks is spot on in regards to this being one of the most important parts of the healing protocol for you mind.

[Cdsnuts]

Wondering if you've given this some more practice KB?

[K8668B]

I only did it once. I still need to practice it some more to dial it in. Unfortunately , for the last 7 days, I had The flu, and hurricane Irma hit Florida. So for the first time since the protocol, I couldn't train, as I had to evactuate a few miles more inland. My diet wasnt the greatest, but I still managed to avoid gluten and some other bad chemicals. I still took my prohormones and supplements though. Luckily, I was in a safe zone. I feel bad for Miami, The Keys and the nearby islands down there, as they got hit pretty bad. But we had some power outages. Couldn't really do anything. All is behind me though. And meditation is my top priority, along with one other thing that I'm about to do in a few days, which will fit hugely into the protocol, and is 8 years in the making for me. To me, the protocol is kind of a learning curve, the longer you do it, the more you figure it all out, and over time you implement more and more into it. Whether your healing period is 6 months, or 3 years.

[Cdsnuts]

Was supposed to head down to the Keys this January....now we're not sure.

[K8668B]

Its looking bad down there for sure!

[Cdsnuts]

Its looking bad down there for sure!

We called it. There is always next year. I'm just glad we held off on booking everything.

[K8668B]

Dammit! Yesterday i went almost 13 hours without a vape/cigarrete. Its the one in the morning with coffee(usually vape, rarely a cigarette), and the one at night before bed after a huge carb-backload, that seems to get me. Those are the two hard ones. Im doing better today with it too.

Whatever it takes to fucking heal! It may take me 3 years. Idgas!

I was assuming that quitting vape/cigs would accelerate my PFS recovery faster. Nothing in 8 years could motivate to quit, until PFS. I failed yesterday, but i still broke a record. But all day yesterday i was reading the internet, and now theyre saying that smoking cigs/vape increases testosterone??? Wtf? I know it can temporarily increase 5aR, but damn, when im trying to quit, for PFS, now im reading that smoking isnt so bad? kinda messed with my head a little bit. Ive been doing it the whole time on this protocol.

Im ready to quit.. im almost there, (got a good rhythm going today) if someone for sure knows that it will help with curing pfs, then let me know. I also would like that extra energy to build more muscle, and do better at my HIIT sprints. Ironically when u try to quit, u read shit on the internet saying that its "good for you". give me a break, what a mindfuck! lol.

A little later down the road, i might even do more fasting. a 30-day juice feast. or a 14-day water fast. ive done juice feasts but never a water fast. i wish i could afford to goto one of those water fasting centers. more fasting to clean out the vape/cigarettes after quitting. whatever it takes.

[Snell1234]

You still on the super r andro?