Quote Originally Posted by Vahn View Post
Hi everyone,

I decided to give one last update before leaving for some time.

I've had some moments where I'm feeling better and seeing some slight fluctuations in my symptoms, but I always fall back to a baseline that won't budge. I'm doing the protocol and trying to trust the process, but if I'm honest, I'm not in a good place mentally. The severe penile shrinkage and numbness I've been having for so long makes me afraid it's permanent. I know people have recovered from this, including CD, so I know it's my anxiety saying these things. Nonetheless, I've been unable to cope with it, and have been close to suicide again as a result.

Even though everyone wants me to, I won't visit another psychiatrist. I don't want those shit SSRI's in my body. I've talked with my therapist and will visit her more frequently. I'm doing EMDR-therapy to heal the trauma of PFS and get my anxiety down. My last session was very intense and had me shaking and kicking chairs all over. Lots of tension and energy that cannot get out.

Why I intend to leave for some time: I've noticed I'm browsing this place, and yes, even PH (sorry), way too often. I'm ashamed to admit this, but it's compulsive. Some free time, quick check on SS or PH to see what's up. I even look up PSSD forums, Nofap forums, and all that shit just to convince myself it's not real or for reassurance that never comes. It's not useful, it's undermining the protocol because it casts massive doubt, and it keeps me in a PFS mentality constantly. I'm damaging myself doing this and only got myself to blame for it. I'm my biggest enemy. It needs to stop right now.

So I'm going to try what I haven't done in the past year, and that is stop living online unless I've got a specific question and just... do the protocol.

What I need to do better:
-More meditation and breathing exercises
-More exercise (I'm only managing HIIT 2x a week right now and some calisthenics)
-Pumping (I've followed the advice but it often hurts quite a bit for me, even when pumping very lightly)
-Stop wallowing
-Stop visiting forums
-Rest of the protocol is locked in

Timeline:
-PFS since january 2020.
-Discovered TMO in august 2020.
-Been on paleo diet since september 2020.
-Exercise, cold showers and sunning since october 2020.
-Xenoestrogens since november 2020.
-Herbs, daily supps and breathing since december 2020.
-Cleanse since february 2021.

Yes it's sloppy. Yes it's my fault.
I guess I've only been on protocol since february 2021.


Cheers
Good luck man. You know where to come if you need to talk.